It's been another long time since I've made a post. Life is progressing, albeit in an odd direction. There's no real update.
I still don't like sound and still seek deafness. My personal alarm has broken and I should buy another one for use. It sucks pulling it out of my purse, holding it up to my head, pulling the pin and having *NO* sound come out.
It has been ome itme now since my last post. I have the "power" but I haven't used it. I tell myself that it's because these alarms are designed to draw attention and when deafening myself the last thing I would want is curious eyes coming to the noise.
But I'm running out of time, really. My hearing test is coming up rapidly and I can still hear more than I want for the test. I must either deal with hearing, make some bloody effort or shut up. Yes, Sean, you're right: explanation isn't required to docs but others may be more persistant. It's something I'm trying to deal with.
That is short for "noise therapy". Ever since the personal alarms came I've been trying to find time and work the logistics out on how to use it. Surely one can't hold it to their ear and walk to work.
However, home usage seems the only likely solution; under blankets and pillows and things to muffle the sound. And so I had a short test this morning. The pain isn't bad at all - in fact it did not hurt at all. Isn't that supposed to be the entire point of a personal alarm? Or is it to just draw attention? Anyways...
The alarm has an interesting auditory effect. There's the obvious high pitched noise and a more subtle effect that is observed. This latter effect is more like a "wub wub wub" much more infrequent (and quieter) than the high-frequency oscillations. Honestly I wasn't expecting it. I imagine some DJ would sample it and mix it into a trance song. ha.
I only had a minute this morning as the primary goal was a test of endurance. I stopped because I need to leave for work shortly. 'll try again tomorrow.
I've ordered a couple personal alarm keychain things whose advertisers rate it at "140 decibel". These will serve a dual purpose: some sort of protection when walking to and from work. It's getting dark earlier and I'm not very imposing. It's also a crime to carry pepper spray where I love. D'oh. They will also serve to damaging my hearing. I'll worry about where I'll find a place to use such a loud device later (People would tend to come investigating).
It should be well and truly painful but as the lame saying goes: no pain no gain.
It's very frustrating to spend the majority of hours of days on end pumping loud music into one's ears and seemingly have no ill effects.
I have a set of "pure tone" frequencies ranging from 125Hz to 8KHz and on the lowest volume on my MacBook Pro I can hear them all. Makes me question what the point is of noise therapy in the first place if it I can still hear these tones. Yes I know what the point is and I still seek it! Music, it seems, is simply not loud enough. Neither is loud white noise (or pink noise). These all have temporary effects but not long-lasting.
I'm beginning to understand why people put superglue in their ears and try ototoxic drugs. I am prepared to wait, I understand that intentionally damaging one's hearing (with the methods I've been using) isn't something that can be done in a few weeks or months. But damnit, some progress would be nice. :/
The amusing thing is that my tinnitus is no worse.
I have nothing else to do except continue with what I'm doing. It is hard to spend a long time with REALLY loud things up against your ears because people tend to come looking to investigate the cause of loud noises (air horns, personal alarms and so on).
From time to time I get negative emails and comments calling me crazy and things of that nature because I wish to intentionally damage my hearing. Oftentimes I don't know the background of the detractors but today I know.
I noticed a large number of hits coming from a popular deaf message board this morning and to say that the thread about my blog was positive would be laughable.
I don't understand, though. I've read a few of the threads and many people seem proud of their deafness and seem to reject attempts to make them hearing. I wonder if they are the same people who say that I am crazy for wishing to be deaf? Seems like a double standard.
Or maybe they fear a hearing person invading their space, think I may force them to give up their culture and dehumanise them? Reminds me of MWMF's stance towards transwomen. "Invaders invaders!"
I am not seeking attention - in fact I am quite shy (there's a reason this blog is anonymous after all). That rules Munchausen syndrome out.
I'm curious how these detractors feel about transsexuals. Are we invading womenspace and manspace? Because we can't all transition at 10 years old does that mean we have lied to everyone from denial and trying to fit in? It's absurd.
So, whatever. Keep calling me crazy with one hand and proclaiming the glories of Deafhood with the other. Don't you think people think you are crazy for not wanting to be hearing? I'm sure this post will draw a number of comments on the aforementioned thread so comments are disabled. Email me if you really want to tell me I'm a jerk or crazy or stupid (it's been done before!)
I like quiet and I don't like noise (this is not the novel thing).
I need to expose myself to loud noises to become deaf (or other more risky methods that I'm not prepared for yet).
I hate having to pick between an already quiet room and noise therapy. On the one hand I know that it's the path to my goal but on the other hand it'll be noisy and I don't want to 1) interrupt the quiet and 2) hear to noise!
The choice sucks.
I bought a pair of Etymotic ER-6i earphones a week or two ago and their potential to damage/destroy my hearing is making me really excited about the whole prospect. I can't help but looking forward to spending time with them in my ears with my ipod or itunes cranked up!!
Last week I bought a pair of in-ear earphones (Etymotic ER-6i) on the recommendation of a good friend. They're easy to get a comfortable seal but they earphones are really good when they get a good seal: Good sound, loud, and there's no leakage! A coworker sitting next to me couldn't hear anything with my iPod at maximum.
The frustration comes in when I know for a fact that these are perfect for "noise therapy" but when I'm at home alone for a long weekend I'd rather enjoy the relative quiet that is just computer fans (and, alas, the typing - but it's much quieter with my new MacBook Pro). I don't want to listen to noise when I don't have to but I need to in order to damage my hearing. This is a side effect of the paradox: need noise so one doesn't can't hear, but one don't want to hear the noise needed to damage hearing!
I'll probably limit my listening to commuting to and from work and when at work because as much as I'd like to be deaf I'd like nothing more than to not hear noise! (Work that one out, dear reader!)
With each day my desire to be deaf increases. It is, I think, directly related to stress and therefor could be a coping mechanism. Whether or not that's healthy or not I don't care - it's a feedback loop and it sucks.
I had my hearing therapy appointment recently and the lady suggested lipreading classes. Good idea and something I was planning long term (after BSL level 1). I also got a printout of my audiogram from February. It is all normal (everything above 20db really) except the 6KHz dip: down 30 at left, down 40 at right. It was a bit depressing to see such a flat line leading up to the notch but the printout also had a grayed out area corresponding to the speech banana. I saw that as a kind of target zone, something to aim for to destroy my hearing.
I have a followup audiogram in February - I have a lot to do by then!
Anyways the whole point of this was to rant and not to recap my hearing therapy - i wanted a post for it by itself
I hate hearing and the stress that comes from a noisy office and commuting almost 4 hours a day.
An Update
I've just finished reading the book Seeing Voices, by Oliver Sacks. The book is a very good look at Deaf culture and the history of deafness in the Western world. I won't say too much about it other than it's a very good read and (given the history) I can understand a bit why so many Deaf people are so against Cochler implants and hearing people who seek deafness for themselves.
And on to the real subject of the the update. I've been considering methods of making myself deaf and have come to a sort of quandry: Even if I manage to make myself severely deaf how would I explain to any sane audiologist why I waited until then to seek help? Wouldn't I have noticed when, you know, I couldn't hear people? It seems that a stepping method would be required for any sense of believability. By "believability" I mean without having to explain myself!
I then began to wonder why I would even care. Well it's obvious: I need to have some sort of doctor signoff for work and probably would have to use some sort of correction at work.
And on to the topic of correction (re: hearing aids). I continue to ponder the correlary between the 40 year old transsexual woman I saw in the therapist's office when I was there to get my second letter for GRS that was wearing something completely pink and not age appropriate. Those types of people I can't help think are overcompensating or trying to overly present a female image. The same thing applies to me with my coveting of hearing aids: overly present a deaf image.
Casey and I are planning to move soon, closer to where we both work, and sie has offered to take BSL courses with me. But we'll need around £1600 for the first month's rent including security deposity, plus having to pay another £600 rent where we currently live for a month, and then £200 each for BSL lessons. I may have to wait until Spring for lessons. :( I don't think we/I could afford it all. *sigh*
Maybe in Spring.
The cool thing about having a blog is that I can feel free to write in it and whine all I like about hearing. No one has to read it and I get an outlet to vent.
Yes, I really don't like hearing. Not much I can (realistically) do about it at present due to my situations.
I got my appointment for the hearing therapist. It's coming up in August. I'm looking forward to it but I dont think it'll result in me with a set of HAs.
It's a bit depressing but that's life.
In other news I'm going to visit Robin in September! It should be lots of fun. We've been friends for years but we've never met in person.
This coming September I'm hoping to visit Robin in Canada. I'm going to try and spend most of it with oiled cotton in my ears.
I learned that my previous experiences with this technique to block sound wasn't as effective as it could have been: Apparently the results are better if the oiled cotton is right up against the eardrum.
Today whilst Casey was visiting one of hir friends near London I was going to try The Right Way and get the cotton right up against my eardrum for a more effective earplug. Well, it didn't go too well. After several attempts I was still hearing most things around me (e.g., tapping the counter with a fingernail!) and that was unacceptable. I have not given up attempts just yet and will have more attempts before my visit to Canada.
It's just frustrating trying to find the right balance of oil, cotton, and depth when the only guide I have is the averge depth of an adult human's ear canal. I can't see in there or gauge how far it's down. Using a Q-tip as a ramrod is a good idea and still it seems there is a lot of room for improvement.
All in all today has been a learning experience, even if frustrating.
This is a post about sex that has nothing to DO with sex. Do I have your attention? Let's begin.
In the transsexual community there are generally a few types of (pre-operative) people: 1) Those who absolutely refuse to "use" their genitals for anything other than urination. 2) Those who will self-fornicate on a regular basis but not let anyone else see or touch. 3) Those who will use their bits irregardless of them being transsexual (Note: This doesn't mean they're *NOT* transsexual, rather, it just means they're not so offended as those in group #1 are). 4) Those others I've left out.
I personally was a part of group 1.
However, I want to talk about group 3 and BIID.
I suspect that a similar grouping can be made with transabled individuals: those that use the offending parts (be it legs for walking, ears for hearing, eyes for seeing) even though they'd rather NOT. In fact I'm sure it's inevitable in many cases.
I suppose that in all cases said usage is a case of practicality. It's quicker to run to a train, quicker to listen to information instead of reading, and communicating verbally rather than nonverbally.
This blog is about me so it should come as no surprise that if the above transsexual categorisations were made similar for BIID that I would fall into group 3. I recognise and accept the practicality of hearing. (It's practical to use sound to block other sound, I should like to point out.) I do not like hearing, but I will listen to podcasts that deal with my profession and converse with my coworkers and Casey (I've all but given up on getting them to use email or Google Talk).
I feel guilty, though, which is part of the reason I'm writing this post. I'd like to have it "on record" for myself because I need to rationalise this paradoxical use of sound. There will be people who comment "you don't really want to be deaf" after this post, but that's okay. You can post it. I've thought it too! How could someone that claims to be a deafwannabe actually enjoy music, podcasts and television with sound?
I don't know. Maybe the same reason the category 3 transsexual enjoys the usage of their bits even though they'd prefer to get rid of them. "Use em while you got em?"
Make no mistake. I have greater joy sticking my fingers in my ears than my ipod buds with an Evolution-Creationist debate.
(This next bit will probably piss people off)
However, it's stupid to ignore the practicality of able-bodiedness and it's stupid to risk one's career to eliminate a double-life wherein one a person appears AB and in the other somehow not. I would rather go to work a hearing person (for now. Ask me in, say, 30 years.) and keep my job than get sacked for one day showing up with a more noticible hearing problem! Practicality.
Life at home is different. I avoid noise to the best of my ability: If Casey is asleep I will not listen to music or podcasts, the noise of the fans and my own typing I can tune out. I can watch TV without sound (it'd probably tip hir off if I didn't) and I can maintain some sanity. Practicality.
Oil and cotton are messy to concoct earplugs from, so I do with the cheap foam ones when my noise quote has been reached instead of going for the better seal. Custom made high attenuation earplugs are expensive and I don't yet have the spare cash to spend so I do without them.
Anyways, I've drifted off topic here so let me close with this: Live subtitles suck.
A week ago Casey and I were running late on our joint journey to work and had to take a later than usual train. Consequently we couldn't sit next to each other. We had to do the next best thing and sit next to each other with the aisle between us, both at a table.
I was reading my Linguistics of British Sign Language book (which is really good) and one of the two people sitting in front of Casey whispered to the other:
"That woman is learning to sign. I wonder if she is deaf."
I didn't hear them and it wasn't until later when Casey relayed to me what they said that I was laughing. Casey restrained hirself from telling them that I was learning sign because my hearing is a bit wacky.
Amusing.
I haven't posted in nearly two weeks. Honestly there's not much going on. I'm still struggling with TA things; work is going well and I haven't opened up to Casey yet about being DW.
It should come as no surprise to the readers of this blog that I subscribe to a Yahoo list for people who wish to be deaf. Though that list I came across this link to the See/Hear message board.
The post is about a soap opera in the UK called Holby City which had a storyline on the 17 May 2007 episode about a deaf wannabe. Well needless to say some people are vocally against us and had something to say about this episode.
However, the reply I made is to the aforementioned See/Hear message board.
I'll reproduce the original post and my reply here for clarity:
Original:
It was a scary reminder that these people still do exist, and have in the past as a few of us will remember used and pretended to be deaf on these boards.
Within Holby the girl had to go into hopital (as you do with it being a hospital drama) her new boyfreind thought or was uner the impression she was deaf..she had done her level one and thats it.
She bought a hearing aid of the net and wore it, comments beign that people looked at her differently, she got free bus passes and more help.
lt was different for Holby to cover something like this, and I don't know if they covered it as well as they could have..problem with throwing something like this in the wider eye of the public is that it's going to give people ideas.
I don't see what the problem is.
Are people so uptight that they can't let people make the decisions they want? How would you feel if the hearing world expressed disgust and claimed that all deaf people were mentally ill because they weren't immediately having cochlear implants implanted and undergoing intense hearing and speech therapy to function?
It is a hearing world, after all.
It's also an intolerant world, too.
How does someone becoming deaf (for whatever reason) impact anyone other than them? Surely there are concerns that they should be aware of for family and workplace but it's their responsibility.
It is not your responsibility to live their life for them.
I suspect the veracity of claims that people "become deaf" for the exclusive reason of drawing public funds. It seems a long way to go in order to obtain a bus pass or public assistance whereas it'd be arguably easier to simply pretend to be deaf instead. Pretending to be deaf in order to obtain public funds, however, is fraud.
Of course, I expect this post to be largely ignored and criticised but whatever; has to be said.
This week has been exceptionally busy at work. Meetings every day. At the start of the week the week looked grim. Yesterday I was ALLLLLMOST ready to take a job doing the same sort of work five minutes from our flat. Today I'm glad to work there since they saw the light and will do things the easy way instead of making me do a lot more work.
So today I learn that my part in this massive project is far easier, I get to work from home tomorrow (I was supposed to do so on Wednesday but had a meeting!!), I get to leave work 20 minutes early and get home 35 minutes early, and when I get home there's an advertisement in the mailslot...
The advertisement is for a place called David Ormerod. They sell digital hearing aids and they have a sale until the end of May. This made my face light up! Horray! I can use this to tell Casey (for example): "So I'm going to book an appointment to work on the goal you suggested." - "What goal, Marie?" - "To be a deaf person, like you suggested."
Ha ha. Now that I have work and regular income it wouldn't burden Casey (too much?). I want to discuss this with hir cos it's driving me mad.
I have an opportunity at hand and it's slipping away.
[ Not posting the large back story here so bear with me. ]
Last night during dinner Casey asked why I'm annoyed with hir DJing [in Second Life, from our home]. I said that I'm not annoyed by it, but rather I just don't like sound! I was stunned by hir response:
"So become a deaf person."
There you have.
I didn't say anything like "Yes!!! I DO WANT THAT !!" - I chickened out and it depresses me. Soon, however, I plan to bring it up. Casey now knows that I do not like sound and I can press that "button" to provoke a conversation about it. I think this is my choice.
But there's one thing holding me back: Fear. I love Casey with all that I am and really am afraid to lose hir. One friend said that I should be at ease with talking to Casey about anything without fear of abandonment. She's right but I'm not at ease with this topic and a few others, but that is probably just "normal" relationship communication problems.
Yes, Sean, I know I should just do it. But it ain't that easy for me. In good time, it'll be done.
More and more I'm considering using earplugs when I'm outside. My threshold for noise is dropping and I no longer get much joy from music (which is probably a sign of worsening depression).
Unfortunately using them at work is not an option since my employer knows me as a hearing person (that and they'd SEE the earplugs!) and at home I'm not sure I can get away with yet.
Either way, I spend a lot of time commuting.
So what's stopping me? Well, nervousness. It's a change and I am resistant to change, even when it'd be for the better. I also worry about people seeing my earplugs and becoming offensive after I do not respond to them.
Something to overcome. I think this coming week I will try to do the commute home leg with my earplugs, except for a taxi home should I take one. Many of the drivers know that I can hear...It'd be odd and I'm not prepared for that yet.
Hey lady,
Ever think that there's a reason I have my iPod's volume turned up? Maybe because I don't want people like you talking to me. Maybe I don't want to hear the train's noises "full blast". Maybe I don't want to hear.
Anyways, next time, lady, I'm going to give you a couple of the earplugs I carry instead of complying with your asinine requests. But hey, you certainly know how to make a shitty day worse.
You suck.
P.S., next time you aim to be a twat in public make sure you do it equally to everyone, like the guy who had his iPod just as loud as mine.
So I think I've figured out earplugs. The ones that Casey bought me used to hurt my ears a lot so I wasn't using them at night to sleep. However last night I think I figured it out! It's so obvious: Don't put them in so far. This morning my right ear hurt a little but not much and it was gone within 15 minutes of removing the earplug. Not disturbing to sleep at all! Yay!
And on to Tech! I bought a BlackBerry 8800 on Saturday. After I bought it I read this on Wikipedia:
BlackBerry devices are also extremely popular in the Deaf community, allowing people to message each other very easily.[citation needed]
Just kidding
I received an anonymous comment to my last post which reads:
I can tell you, why you want to use hearing aids and why amputation wannabes want to use prosthetics. The reason is, deep in your soul you do not want to be disabled, you do not want to be deaf. What you want are certain things you connect with being deaf, but you do not want to accept the big disadvantges, because noone wants to be disabled. It is not a paradox, it´s just a sign you are still sane, so to say. A therapist might be able to help you to overcome the desire to be deaf, or to be more precise, to overcome the illusions you have on your mind that you connect with being deaf. Though, the biggest problem is, BIID sufferers are very very reluctant to accept therapy, many say therapy does not help, but no BIID patient knows anyone who seriously made this step. Good luck and I hope you can learn to overcome these feelings.
So on the heels (would a wheelchair user say 'on the wheels'?) of my Inner Reflection post and a chat with Sean from ta.org I realised what a paradox it is. I want to be deaf but I'd also use hearing aids to restore my hearing. Some people who have a desire to be amputees would use prostetics.
It seems paradoxical to want to lose hearing and then to use a device designed to AID hearing. Just like it seems paradoxical to want to lose a limb (or more!) and then use a prostetic to "replace" it. I have called that "The Transabled Paradox!"
At this time I could spend a few paragraphs pondering why I want to use a hearing aid to restore hearing (or not. HAs are more like symbology and reinforcement that yes I am deaf/HOH) or why an amputee-wannabe would use a prostetic but I'm not going to. Too much effort. I like calling something "The Transabled Paradox" ;-)
Carry on...
I had an interesting question/comment from a non-TA (new!) friend. She noted that some of my other TA friends seem to identify more with their respective desired disabilities whereas I seem to exhibit less of an identity with Deaf culture and more with a desire to eliminate noise.
It's interesting because I was actually pondering this in the last week or two.
I seem to be following the same pattern that I did in my transition: I never really identified as a hyperfeminine person, rather, I identified as me! Marie (okay "Marie" is a psuedonym but you all get the idea). I don't know what it's like to be a woman and I don't know what it's like to be a man. All I DO know is what it's like to be me. At the time my physiology was out of sync with my brain's self-image. I saw transition as a process to fix what was wrong. I had set goals and I understood what was expected of me to achieve those goals. And I did. And I feel great in that respect.
Again, with my hearing I seem to have identified a flaw and a fix. The flaw is that I hear and the fix is to stop hearing. Simple, eh?
In the aforementioned conversation the topic of hearing aids came up. Surely as a person that wants to be deaf I wouldn't want hearing aids which would amplify sound? Well, that is quite the paradox. I've stated before (if not on this blog then in other areas) that I would use HAs to comprehend speech as needed. I also had a think on the concept of a deaf-wannabe wanting hearing aids. Hearing Aid. Aiding hearing... it's one of the things that can really hurt the brain to ponder! However I began to think back to transition and how I gripped to every miniscule feminine trait that HRT (hormone replacement therapy) was bringing as reinforcement of my identity. It seems to logically follow that hearing aids would again reinforce my identity and be visible proof to others that yes, I am deaf (or hearing impaired)!
So, do I identify as a D/deaf person? Well no I don't; I identify as me. I identify as female and feel exceptionally comfortable in this social role. I say this confident having lived in it for almost four years now. I think it would be premature to say that I identify as a D/deaf person having not experienced deafness. How could I have such an identity when I (alas) have had no common experiences? I feel confident today that in four years' time I would be willing to say that I identify as a deaf person (or Deaf, but that's more of a culture thing; integration into a culture is not an overnight thing!).
All in all the fact that I do not have a (strong) pre-existing identity with the Deaf world doesn't bother me as it didn't bother me 5 years ago when I began transition. I'm happy being me and I'm happy to make difficult and permanent choices in my life based on my own values, expectations, and goals.
So last night as I was going to bed I thought of a great topic to post about. The general idea was a hypothetical situation regarding hearing aids. After that I have no idea.
Instead I'll post about the week:
o This past week hasn't been too bad noise-wise.
o I'm really looking forward to my appointment with the hearing therapist but I still don't know when it is. D'oh.
o Work is good although I'm annoyed with a coworker because he wants to talk to me instead of using IM like he does with everyone else in the office.
Maybe my memory will improve. ;)
So what's the worst case scenario for someone with sensitive hearing that wishes to be deaf? I'll tell you: Neighbours playing very loud music/tv at midnight that's just loud enough to hear slight fragments in my bedroom to keep me from falling asleep.
Not so bad? Well, this is at the end of a very long and BAD day for both being transsexual and transabled (in terms of impact on my life). This is the end of a four day weekend in the UK and I have work in the morning. I am very tired and need to be up at 7am (it's just past midnight now).
With luck I'll be able to buy earplugs tomorrow on the way to work to prevent this from impacting me again.
So here in the UK we have had Friday and will have Monday (tomorrow) off from work. That means FOUR DAY WEEKEND!! Everyone is home from work (unless they're getting paid a fortune).
Casey has been home too. I worked at home on Wednesday and Casey was home that day too, ill. Sie was home Thursday too, also ill. Throughout sie was coughing and maing a lot of noise. So I've been suffering too. Urk. I've been attempting to block out the noise with Star Trek and sleeping on the sofa to get any sleep.
Tuesday on the way to work I'm going to buy earplugs so I can sleep in the same bed as my spouse and read. (And that's the only reason, honest... heh heh heh!)
Yesterday was pretty crappy. My books came before work so I had a chance to bring one with me. I picked the Auditory Processing Disorder book.
Unfortunately while reading there's no protection from bad noise -- in fact, it seems that there's nothing but "bad noise"! I read what I could in the book and it was good. But yesterday was a really crappy day.
Today seems to be better. Today and Monday is a holiday in the UK so I don't have to go to work enduring bad noise. Although a friend of Casey's is in town and we were planning to go out today (the Friday before Easter...) and it'll be very busy. I don't know if I'll go along but..meh... bad noise is bad.
I don't wear earplugs to work because Casey and I take the same train from where we live and it'd be hard to explain...but I may do it anyways when reading! Augh... I hate noise.
I have a concept of "good noise" and "bad noise" that directly correlate to the 'badness' a day is with regards to stress from BIID.
Good noise is noise that I control: an iPod, or a video on my computer through headphones.
Bad noise is noise that I can't control. Coworkers, Casey talking or laughing, and almost everything.
Good noise can turn into bad noise, especially when I begin to think about the sound and not the content of the sound. If that makes sense. Today I was watching Star Trek: Enterprise while working from home and it turned into bad noise. Partly because earlier in the day I was thinking about deafness (as usual).
I tolerate good noise since it blocks things out, but it can become bad. It's depressing because at that point no noise is good noise; it's all bad.
So now that I have a job I can afford to buy books. Among the first six books I've bought two of them are about British Sign Language. Another is about sensory defensiveness and APD.
These should be very englightening.
I say tongue-in-cheek that bacon is the one thing that would make me ever reconsider atheism. There's one thing that would also, in the same way, make me reconsider bringing deafness upon myself: a cat's meow.
As I was walking home today from the job centre interview for a NI # one of the neighbourhood cats let me pet it and it meowed at me. I thought: "I'm going to miss that." Strange how it's not "I shouldn't do this!" but "I'm going to miss that."
I was having a slightly crummy day, fighting with my employer's VPN and the stress of the interview (I was out for 90 minutes in total!) and the kitty made my day! I love cats and believe them to be a higher form of life (no, I'm not kidding).
In fact I think top mounted ears like a cat's would be... the cat's meow! But I wonder how BTEs would be fitted to them... ;-)
(edit: Negated a key part of the 2nd paragraph for clarity. Thanks K. for pointing it out!)
That's "Transabled" day... not of the good kind where all of one's wishes come true.
Just been focusing on this stuff more than usual. Casey's typing (as well as my own) has driven me mad. I've come to the end of my tolerance for masking music and podcasts. Since Casey is home I can't really put oiled cotton into my ears to have a more effective means of sound blocking.
Le sigh... sleep soon anyways.
Yesterday Casey and I went to visit some friends in another city (Which I think is interesting because one of said friends has 'BIID' listed in her LJ profile! I didn't know and still don't know if it is simply an interest or if she suffers from it.). We did the usual things: walking, talking and being cold.
Towards the end of our visit we stopped ino a pub for drinks and to rest our feet and to warm up. The pub was small and noisy and it came to a point where I was theatricall ignoring the other three and put my fingers in my ears. I was really surprised at how quiet it was. For just a few seconds (If I sat there like that for much longer it would have looked odd!) it was bliss. I didn't notice just how noisy it had become.
I find that the more that I'm out of the flat due to my job the more annoyed with sounds I'm becoming: cars, tapping pens, people talking and laughing, train stations, pidgeons walking (yes I can actually hear their claws on the flagstones. *sigh*), children and so on.
I have mentioned to a few of my coworkers that my hearing "isn't all that good" since one 'A', gave me and 'L' a ride into Leeds and I couldn't clearly hear them talking. I haven't mentioned it to my project manager or small 'team' yet but I'm close. D's accent/dialect is really hard to understand! I sometimes wonder if he has a speech problem or if it is just his accent being so broad. I'm happy at work (although the commute is killing me) and I'm glad I work there; I enjoy the work and the people.
It's just the noise that is irritating.
I seem to have an issue with vocal clarity at work. I believe that some of it is due to the accents of my coworkers but I (hope) don't think it's limited to just that. I am usually very good with accents. In fact I was able to watch Trainspotting with no subtitles and was able to understand most (if not all) of what everyone was saying. Anyways, accents don't usually throw me off.
However the two guys I deal with daily seem to talk gibberish!! On first pass they don't make any sense but when I stop and piece together what they've said and what I've understood into a complete thought it then begins to make sense.
That's what is annoying me.
Why do I have to hear every other pathetic noise (like pidgeon claws on flagstones! Fucks sake that's REALLY quiet!) but struggle with voices.
It's annoying to strugle so much with one thing but hear another thing so clearly.
The people I work with are really cool. Most of them are my age. But there's a few problems (TA-wise):
They all seem to
1) be soft talkers
2) prefer talking over IM or Email
Getting to work requires a lot of speaking: train ticket type, bus ticket type, and talking to a taxi driver if I take a taxi. (Taxis seem to talk to their fares a lot here.)
I love the work that I do but I hope it doesn't drive me mad! I think I'll send a note to my group (did I mention that I'm a 'team leader'?) and say that I prefer typing when possible. Obviously (and this is a practicality thing, alas), some topics are time sensitive and require a verbal explanation. Or, talking to a group...
Many issues, they'll all be fixed soon, one way or another!
So yesterday I was made an offer for a role in Leeds doing website programming. I accepted it!
At the interview they gave me the dime tour and I noticed that a lot of the coders were using ipods and other headphones. This gives me hope! :) I can get away with listening to music all the time to drown out noise.
I liked talking with the interviewers: they seem genuinely geeky like me and it was fun to talk to them about a pet project of mine. The people that work there seem really cool and I think it'll be a great place to work!
We'll see what happens DW-wise with this job...
So I'm watching TV just now and there was an advert on for a Lexus automobile. It's unmistakable:
PURSUIT OF SILENCE
That is a goal people seek so if they desire silence they should buy a Lexus.
How strange...
Of course the marketing people would likely shreek in terror if they knew of a deaf wannabe who really did want silence and not through the good insulation of their car.
This has been one of those days.
This morning Casey kind of had a go at me since I was reminding hir of a doctor appointment and sie kept dozing off in hir chair. I kept prodding so sie wouldn't be late (which happened anyways) and sie said "I just want 5 minutes and you keep waking me up every 2 minutes!!" *sigh* That started it I think... not that it's Casey's fault; sie still doesn't know. (that's my fault)
Then every tiny pathetic noise was pissing me off the entire day and it's been wearing me down. I have been listening to music of course except when I watched a little telly and leafed through a book.
Life is hard but it could be harder... of course it could be much easier.
On an unrelated note I had a thought the other day: If Casey and I were to visit my family back home (which is in a very largely populated deaf area) in 10 years (I presume that in 10 years we'll both be fluent with BSL and use it as our main means of communication) would the ASL users would look at Casey and I quizically, recognising sign but not understanding. What an odd thought to have!
One of the more nifty sensations a (hearing) deaf wannabe person can have (Or at least this deaf wannabe person) is the sensation that everything is just a little more quiet than normal after listening to loud music for an extended period of time or other prolonged exposure to loud sounds.
Anyone that's been to a rock concert has probably experienced this after they leave.
Personally I think this is the best.
I'm still waiting to hear from the place I interviewed at. Casey says to give it until Friday and then email them asking what's going on. With any luck I'll hear from them today!
And speaking of today... the landlord is coming around to "inspect" the flats for faults. We live in new builds so they're doing quality control, I guess. I don't like it when he comes around since I'm a fairly private person and displaying the flat isn't something I enjoy doing. Not to mention it means I'll have to talk...to him.
TA-wise I'm kind of neutral: Casey snores and when sie does so it drives me mad. Snoring is one of the worst sounds IMHO and a few days ago it was just too much and I started crying. Then I got up and went to sleep on the sofa.
I've been comfort eating a lot recently too so maybe I'm not so "neutral". Chocolate is a depressed woman's friend. I guess I'll pay for it later, whatever.
So this week I had an interview for a Linux Sysadmin role at a UK-based company. I haven't heard from the role yet but I want to write a few things down here: I think the interview went "okay" - as well as it could go; my skills aren't a perfect fit for the role and everyone knew it.
I decided to play it safe and not pretend to be HOH/Deaf although the two men who interviewed me seemed to be muddled slightly at times. I was very tired on the day and I think that lapses in concentration affect(ed) my ability to concentrate on what they (and others) are saying.
I should hear about the result this coming week. With luck I'll earn the role! Wouldn't it be nice to have money to spend on things...such as hearing aids? ;-)
Oram talks about amputating injured finger
http://content-aus.cricinfo.com/wc2007/content/story/281841.html
Cricinfo staff
February 28, 2007
Jacob Oram is willing to cut off his injured ring finger if it is going to prevent him from playing in the World Cup. Oram will try specially designed splints and pain-killers to ease the pain, but if the problem won't go away he will consider an amputation.
"If it means cutting the finger off, if that's the worse-case scenario, if that's the last resort, I'll do that, there's no way I'm missing this," he told NZPA. Oram suffered the break during the first Chappell-Hadlee Trophy match and he will not test it until the New Zealand squad's first practice session in Barbados on Saturday.
However, Oram is unsure how his finger is healing under the protective strapping. "The plan is get to the West Indies, whip it off and assess the inflammation," he told the agency. "We've got a couple of techniques in terms of taping and a couple of guards which are a lot thinner so they can fit into a batting glove. I'm confident it'll be fine."
He is more worried by the prospect of another skyed catch after his doctors doubted he would be troubled by balls coming straight at him. Oram said the initial impact of the high chance at Wellington did not hurt and it was not until he looked down that he knew something was wrong.
"You know when your finger's not going straight it's bad news," he said. "I thought the worst straight away - two weeks out from the World Cup and you're finger's going at right angles. I've seen one replay where I look happy and then I'm swearing - it didn't go down well with mum."
© Cricinfo
So I'm home today and again the noises of the flat were grating, even the music. Bleh... So I did what any sane person would do! Earplugs. I still need to work on the seal but I think it's better than before.
With just a few days before my job interview I need to be as relaxed as possible and these earplugs can help.
I've spent the day multitasking between cleaning the flat and some computer tasks. Both of which have been quite productive but at the end I had to vacuum. Noisy noisy noisy. Worst part is our vacuum cleaner is broken so it didn't do a good job.
All day I've just been chillin' with the relative quiet. Just the fans and my typing and I was able to tune them both out. I listened to some music here and there but there wasn't much point since I wasn't at the computer for long stretches. Did I mention I have ADD?
Anyways, this is just me whining that the quiet of the day was broken by the vacuum cleaner.
Tomorrow Casey and I are going shopping for an interview outfit (and perhaps a summer dress I have my eye on). It's going to be very busy and very noisy in town. The noise alone makes me anxious and the crowds don't help that!
I may have an interesting post to make tonight about a radio program... but I'll have to see what happens.
So I am looking for work now. It occurs to me that I have a valuable opportunity to present to work as hard of hearing. How can I do this? Cotton and oil in my ears. It could be tricky to pull off since I have long hair and tend to pull it behind my ears which would leave my ear canal (and the cotton) visible.
Is this ethical? It depends on my ethics. There is at least one legitimate answer I can give for cotton: I am sensitive to sound and prefer to block it out when possible. Another one: I do work better when I can concentrate and block out nonessential noise. I say it is ethical, no different or worse than having a radio or iPod at work because someone doesn't like silence!
"Repacking" would be difficult at work and might require me to have a supply of cotton and olive oil on hand!
This is something I really want to do. But to do it successfully I need to be practical. Pretending to be HOH at work by use of earplugs can come back to bite me in the arse: it could negatively impact my work in such a way that questions could be asked such as why don't I have hearing aids if I can't hear people well. Hard to explain that when the NHS issues them at need...
If I was actually HOH (*sighs...*) I could use hearing aids to regulate when and what I hear and that would eliminate the need for earplugs. Silly Marie, always putting practicality before your own needs.
I was chatting with a transabled friend last night and she mentioned (in a roundabout way) what bothered her the most and that got me thinking.
What bothers me the most isn't that I am not Deaf but rather that I still hear everything without choice.
It is a strange distinction to make because at first glance they appear to be the same thing. However, I am not explicitly seeking entrance into the Deaf community as a modus operandi but rather I seek to stop hearing. Even saying "I seek to stop hearing" isn't accurate because I want to be able to accurately control when I hear speech! By virtue of damaging my hearing (or otherwise losing it, she hopes) I will be thrust into the "deaf community" (little 'd'; those who are deaf but do not identify as such). Acceptance to the Deaf community comes later, I believe.
This gets very confusing...
Ever since my audiogram I've been in a bit of a funk. I admit that I am prone to paranoia and I admit that it flared up. Being told that what I consider to be a real problem is just in my head (even if it's something legit like APD) really sucks! It madkes me rethink who believes me and is supportive of me in everything I do. Paranoia sucks.
I'm mostly over that. I am preparing myself to stand up for myself to my GP in order to figure out why I get dizzy and have balance problems. I am preparing myself to come out to Casey in a way that is least hurtful to hir and least painful for me.
But... I have a huge setback: The hearing test was a flop from my perspective aside from the nice dip at 4KHz! I shall have to continue to 'work' on that, eh?
Anyways, these are not the best of days for me. My tolerance time for various auditory stimuli is growing shorter. This could be a long year...
So I've had my hearing test. I did it honestly, more or less. It is all basically "normal" except for a spike around 4KHz down to about 40dB on the left and about 30dB on the right.
Sometimes I hate my honest nature. I sat down and didn't even think about how I might go about fibbing; there wasn't time, really. The tech put the headphones on my ears and within a very short time sound was pumping through.
At the end I'm told it's all in my head, basically. The real problems I face are simply imagined. Maybe they're right and it's just wishful thinking but I would think the time to not fuck around would be with the guy that can throw your ass in prison i.e., security guy at the airport.
The great irony is that I'm referred to someone that is going to teach me how to hear. Ha! I couldn't really say no.
The trip wasn't for nothing, though. I learned that a good point to aim for is a 35ish decibel loss. Anything better than 25 decibels is considered normal.
I guess I get to bitch and moan on this blog for a long time since it'd be suspicious to those around me to go sooner than (I estimate) two years.
I'm thinking about telling Casey. Perhaps the time is right coming at the end of an failed hearing test (and people think that I have passed!), perhaps sie'll be receptive. In any case I need to vent.
None of my questions were answered: my ears feel full, I'm still dizzy. I guess I have to bitch to my GP to get that sorted. Wonderful! I was hoping I could get that sorted at the hearing test.
edit:
I don't know what's worse:
1) The fact that no one believes me
2) My hearing is fine
3) My options are now severely limited
So I've been having some weird dreams. Earlier this week I read a short story written by Sean at transabled.org and the same fate that befell the main character befell me. Except I had cotton in my ears and wasn't blindsimming. (And for the record: I don't really fancy what happened to the character to happen to me. I'm being vague here so as to not spoil a good story!)
I've also been corresponding with a reader in email and dreamed tonight that he's actually the ENT I will see at my hearing test this week. Casey and I got to the place, (incidentally, Casey went to the desk to check in for me since 'Marie cant hear', nice that sie is supportive in my dreams!) and called into the room by the ENT. He asked background info about me and recalled reading similar things on my blog here and asked Casey to step outside to talk to me in private. He confirmed that he was the aforementioned reader. I woke up then before I found out whether or not he'd out me or be helpful. Strange.
I'm having a lot of stress about this hearing test. I don't know if I can successfully fib and that means I'm being torn between being honest and perhaps having to wait several years before I can legitimately ask for another hearing test or trying to fib and succeeding or failing. Failure means, perhaps, a "black mark" on my medical record.
Throughout the night I've felt really down. I've listened to music almost every waking minute for the past several months to drown out my tinnitus and other external sounds.
About 20 minutes ago I turned off the music and put cotton soaked in oil in my ears. This is the first time so the seal isn't very good. But still, things are quieter and I am happier.
Casey is asleep so sie doesn't know. I feel like I'm 15 again dressing up in womens' clothing while my family is asleep. I feel guilty, too, for some reason.
I guess I feel guilty because I'm going behind hir back and doing something I assume sie wouldn't really approve of. I feel better like this, I like it. The tinnitus is very loud but I seem to be able to tune it out more easily.
I'll probably take these makeshift earplugs out soon. I wonder what it'd be like to walk to the pharmacy and pick up my remaining meds with these earplugs in...
This is a post that is self-reflective and a sort of pre-emptatory one.
Before I made my transition to womanhood I was a bitter person and generally depressed. But once I began to confront those transsexual issues my depression became worse and I became suicidal.
To the outsider it would appear that transition caused those things to happen, but I believe that once we make a decision to deal with stuff that we repress we must accept the possibility that it will overwhelm us. It may be stronger than our ability to repress it or deal with it.
I mean so say that by hiding from transability or transsexual (or ANYTHING) doesn't take much effort. But dealing with those feelings is very difficult and emotional and can take a lot of effort to deal with. Constantly having it on the mind means that any little trigger (that would have been previously glossed over) can push one into a deep depression.
Confrontation of repressed things is not the cause, it is the attempt to cure.
So this coming week is my audiogram with the NHS.
I desperately wish to fib on it for the purpose of being prescribed hearing aids that I intend to have privately "filled."
However...
It's more difficult than one might think to manipulate the audiogram.
1. Tones do not progress from lows to highs or from highs to low. They are random at random volumes.
2. It is difficult to discriminate what is 40dB and 35dB and 45dB without a great deal of training.
3. Similarly it is difficult to discriminate frequencies (125Hz or 250Hz or 500Hz).
4. Feigning a severe loss would be difficult since I'll be verbally interacting with hospital staff. My lipreading isn't that good!
So there's a difficulty here. I may just have to be honest or try and sneak some loud noises before the test! But Casey is coming with me and the test is very early in the morning.... Ugh.
Fib or honest...I'll probably decide on the bloody day!
I often wonder how my life will be -- you know, the little things -- once I achieve my goal of hearing loss. I've walked down streets with earplugs and the 20 decibel attenuation doesn't really give a feel for the loss I am after. It was certainly better than nothing but I wonder how things will be different.
I think "what will be different?" The answer is always "everything." So much of our lives as hearing people relies on auditory cues: our partner sighing, the door buzzer for pizza, assuring the fans in our computers are working without other devices, cooking, television, walking down the street (alone at night even moreso), travelling ("there has been a gate change..."), everything.
Knowing that these things will be different is a far cry from the reality of it. In this I expect some level of adaptation on my part: One can't anticipate everything. I don't expect my life being (moderately) deaf to be easy but I believe it will be better. I look forward to these adaptive challenges and believe that I will find ways to adapt to them all.
I admit:
I listen to TV and podcasts and music. I sleep better with the air filter on that Casey bought for the bedroom because of the constant noise that it makes.
It bothers me that I enjoy these things slightly. Why don't I turn the channel on the TV when there are no subtitles? (On a side note: why aren't there always subtitles and why do live subtitles always suck?) I'm not bothered so much by the air filter or music/podcasts because they serve as distractions from my tinnitus and other ambient sounds.
The boiler in our flat is in a closet in our bedroom approximately two feet from where I sleep. Without the air filter on I can hear it working at night and I can hear an ever-so-faint ticking of its timer. (Interesting side note: For a while I was able to hear the ticking even over the air filter. I can't do that anymore even when the filter is cleaned. That made me *SO* happy.)
I'm getting ready for bed now and that means that I don't have the music on or my headphones. I can hear the fans in the office from the computers and I can hear my typing. The typing irritates me more whereas the fans are quiet and constant.
I remind myself that I don't want to be completely deaf and that I shouldn't come down too hard on myself for the above things, but it still bothers me slightly.
Anyways... I'm off to bed. If I lay on my left side and put the quilt over my right ear it's as close to silent as I'm going to get while still maintaining sanity versus the dreaded boiler.
So for those of you that don't know I'm also a transsexual. Post-operative for well over a year. I am completely happy with zero regret.
Now that I have that out of the way...
When I was early into my transition a crossdresser friend of mine was in a car crash and damaged her (I say "her" since that is how I interacted with them. They were male-bodied and identified as male but liked to interact with the world, sometimes, as a woman) thyroid. The damage to her thyroid made her body begin to produce excess estrogen which, in turn, began to feminise her body.
At the time I was still months away from starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and very jealous of her. I was jealous that a person that was happy to identify as a man was being feminised when I identified as a woman and was stuck with a male body until I jumped through my shrink's hoops. I started to wish that I was her and had her thyroid problem that feminised my body. I wondered in what way her throid was damaged and how I could reproduce it in me.
I was fully aware that I wanted a potentially serious thyroid problem for the sole purpose of feminising my body, but I ignored the downsides and focussed on the perceived upsides.
This trend continues with my hearing.
A friend of mine has Ménière's disease. Ménière's disease is a severe balance disorder which also causes hearing loss.
I've posted before that I have some balance problems and at times I really hope that it is Ménière's disease just for the hearing loss. I look past the severe balance problems that come with Ménière's disease because another aspect of the disease helps me in my desire to be dependent on a hearing aid for speech recognition.
I have a habit of focussing on what I perceive to be positive aspects of what can be serious things. I don't know why but I do. And you know what? It doesn't scare me like it probably should.
As much as I use music to distract external noise there are some days that I really don't want to listen to it - I just want silence!
I received a comment from a reader asking if he could ask some questions of me. I said yes like the attention whore I am and he emailed a short list. I've since replied and I thought I'd post the questions and answers here too.
OK, so to my questions..What will you do if in a while you are told that ha's are not necessary for you by the NHS and a non-NHS ha dispenser?
Are the hospital and the non-NHS ha dispenser far from where you live?
If, after getting ha's, they are not what you thought they would be like, what are you going to do?
Do you intend to wear a Walkman or headphones on top of any ha's?
What will you do if you are told you can wear ha's but they are the smaller ones only?
Would you be prepared to go to another town or city from where you live to try the non-NHS ha dispenser(s) there?
Would you prefer to see an audiologist who wears ha's and why? Would you prefer to see a man or a woman and why?
What would your thoughts be if you were told you only needed one ha?
Do you think you would be able to wear your ha's all day straight away? Apparently this (a) is highly unlikely and (b) inadvisable because you would be confused with the sounds of them in your ear straight away. (So I recently read.)
What is the likely reaction of someone you know seeing your ha's for the first time? Is this likely to be different from the reaction of your parents?
Do you know if anyone at your place of work wears ha's - and if there is, does he or she cover them with their hair?
Would you want a job as a receptionist at a non-NHS ha dispenser, and if you are not wearing ha's at this time, how would you reply to the question "Why should I employ you in preference to any other applicant?"
First I want to answer a comment in a main post since the commenter has asked twice now:
The commenter had asked: when I do get hearing aids will I cover them with my hair? Why?
I thought I answered that in a comment, but...
No I won't intentionally cover them. Why? Because I'm not fussed about being seen with hearing aids. Of course I have long hair and it may fall such that it lays on top of a HA but I'm not going to go out of my way to conseal any HA I eventually receive.
And now onto the 'meat' of the post...
In email correspondance the topic of [my] acceptance into the Deaf community came up.
I thought that it would be difficult for me to be accepted even appearing to be a late-deafened person because I didn't grow up Deaf. That is my main concern. Obviously I'll keep the fact that I wanted to become deaf quiet (no pun intended) since it isn't worth the hassle to be 'out'.
Will I eventually be accepted into the community? Probably. Is it a major concern? No, not really.
It would be nice to converse with Deaf people but at the same time I'd be happy to stay at home and be deaf here than go outside at all and show or tell the world. I'm a shy person and I don't socialise much in person (so it's kind of ironic that I would voluntarily make that process more difficult, eh?) but I'm happy with that; I'm happy with socialising on the net.
Acceptance into a community to which you belong is always nice but I have to be realistic: I didn't grow up Deaf and I will probably not be as fluent with BSL like the locals are. I'll always be a foreigner both literally and figuratively. It doesn't bother me since this is something that needs to be done irregardless of social impact (albeit I worry about Casey's reaction).
So people in my situation seem to be willing to do a hell of a lot to reach our goals. Be it deafness, blindness, paralysis or amputation of one or more limbs: walking, music, reading a classic print book.
Why do we do it? It'll sound cliché to say "because we need to" but when all the crap is boiled away that's precisely what it is. Let's look at this from another point of view:
John, an 18 year old High School student and his 18 year old girlfriend-from-Middle School have just graduated from Springfield High School. John has a sports scholarship to a big baseball school on the West Coast of America whereas his girlfriend wants to go to Brown in Rhode Island, thousands of miles away. All his life John has wanted nothing more to marry his girl and play baseball. The scholarship is his ticket since his family isn't well-to-do. John makes the hard decision to marry his girl. He needs her love more than baseball. In a sense he's traded his dream to play baseball for love.
A weak analogy but still. Everyone is willing to give things up for something more important. It just so happens that for those of us who feel desires to be deaf, or blind, or paralysed or what-have-you we're willing to trade a hell of a lot more than John.
Personally I find Beethoven's 9th Symphony in D minor, opus 125 to be the world's finest example of music. I'd give it up to achieve my goal. Why? Because I value deafness more than the greatest piece of music anyone on this planet has ever created. Granted with hearing aids I'd still be able to get some enjoyment from his masterpiece - remember: profound deafness is not my goal at the moment.
Let's look at the male-to-female transsexual as a case to compare against:
She gives up reproductive abilities, male privelege, risks losing her job, family, and friends. And for what? Because for her it's worth losing everything to be herself.
One more thing I give up with hearing loss: advanced notice that Casey is approaching behind me. Oops!! As I was composing this entry with great big letters at the top of the screen reading [MAKEMEDEAF], being the title of my blog, sie came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder shattering the few hours I thought I had to compose this entry. You see, I'm almost always listening to music to block out external noise. Sie didn't anything but I wonder how long sie was behind me and reading...
...and it'd still be worth it.
So I've set my goals and I know what I want. The only question that remains is how I go about achieving those goals. The topic of this post is hearing aids: NHS or Private?
Suitable candidates for HAs are offered them from the NHS. However they're all "flesh tone" BTEs. I have a problem with flesh tone/beige! I'm white and so those BTEs would have been designed to blend in with my own skin. Why would I want them to blend in? I certainly would not be ashamed to wear hearing aids! In fact I would go so far as to pay several thousand pounds (perhaps £1000 per ear) for a privately dispensed aid that I could have made with a specific coloured case.
I'm a fan of the transparent purple ones from Phonak.
The NHS buys their aids in bulk so they can get a bulk discount. The way I feel about socialised medicine (and socialism in general) is that those who have the means should pay for their own devices such as hearing aids. Leave the NHS ones for those that really need assistance with them!
Soon I will have the means (and will) to pay £1000/ear to get a personalised aid. And that's the real goal: personalisation!! People build houses because they can personalise them. People buy wheelchairs and tailor them to their own preferences (including frame colour). Why should a hearing aid be any different?
Not to mention that the NHS is currently backlogged up to four years in some areas of the country for hearing aids. I like the idea of removing some of the burden from the NHS and having the aids 'right now' (as in a few weeks as opposed to years).
Why BTEs and not some other style of aid? I like the way BTEs look and they are often more powerful and capable to higher degrees of hearing loss (which doesn't mean they can't be used for mild loss).
Aestetics, socialism, and "want it right now"-ism. That's the name of the game.
It should be no surprise that I post to various Deaf/HOH forums around the net (obviously not giving away my 'secret'). I did a google search for 'deaf wannabe' and similar terms and we're (deaf/hoh-wannabe/pretender) not widely accepted in the Deaf community.
In the Deaf community there are many people that are very happy to be deaf. I can completely understand their sentiment. ;-)
There are those in the Deaf community that take offence that those of us who wish to be deaf/hard of hearing. Perhaps they feel it is an intrusion of a hearing person into the "Deaf culture." Much in the same way the wacko Janice Raymond believed transwomen are trying to invade women's space.
I wonder what ratio of people that are happy to be deaf (non DW) accept DW people into their community.
Frankly it doesn't matter to me. I seek no one's approval (except perhaps for Casey's). Before I met Casey I certainly had these wishes and would have been happy to live my own life as a deaf (little 'd') person using sign language and hearing aids to regulate acute hearing.
Since I've met Casey, however, nothing has really changed. I love communicating with hir. Sie is very intelligent and my desire to be deaf/hoh certainly doesn't mean I wish to cease communiating with hir. Incidentally this is one thing I worry that sie will assume.
In short the double standard seems to be: "It's okay for us to enjoy our deafness since it wasn't a choice for us but since you want to be deaf it isn't okay." I stress that not everyone shares that double standard but it is something I have observed in SOME MEMBERS of the Deaf community.
So I've been told that by posting in the third person it is distracting to those that chose to read my blog. I could take the stand that it's "my blog and you can piss off if you don't like it" but I started this blog in public for a reason so I may as well bow to easy-to-do requests from the public. ;)
And now on to the main reason of making this post: the topic of coming out.
I have one person I really care to come out to: my partner Casey. Sie means very much to me and it would hurt me if sie couldn't understand or cope with my desire to be (moderate/severely) deaf.
I am in a strange place with coming out because I don't know what is the cause of my current loss. It could be that I may, within 5 years, reach my goal by virtue of some disease. In that case it doesn't make much sense to tell Casey that I want to be deaf.
Of course it could be that where I am now is the "end of the road" for whatever has caused my current hearing loss and to progress further requires my intervention.
I will know better as this year progresses since I see the ENT in a couple of weeks he may be able to help figure out what's going on.
With waiting, however, comes a snag... if I wait and I don't tell Casey I could be missing out on hir complete support and willingness to stand by and let me intentionally damage my hearing by horn (or something).
But if I let the secret out and sie's not able to understand (or let me damage my hearing intentionally) sie could narc on me and that could seriously hamper my HA acquiring goals...
Casey has already said sie's willing to learn BSL with me since sie knows that I prefer nonverbal communication. It's also more practical since we can communicate "in secret", so to speak, around other people as well as in noisy situations!
As always timing is everything. As much as I hate to keep the secret from hir I think the best thing to do is to wait until I see the ENT and get a handle on what's going on and where it's likely to go.
So Marie has posted before about how she has a hearing test in February. She's also stated that she wishes to acquire hearing aids. In this post Marie will clarify the desire she feels for hearing aids.
One aspect of hearing aids that appeals to Marie is that she sees them as validation of herself. It isn't easy to state but she can only make an analogy to a transgender person: even though they may be "in the closet" they still buy female clothes as validation of their female identity. Similarly having hearing aids is a validation of Marie's (this is going to sound 'odd') deaf/HOH identity.
Marie will leave the true psychology of it all to a shrink. Like many things in this blog this makes sense to Marie even if she has a hard time conveying it in writing.
And so she moves into the virtues of fibbing.
Marie has a strong interest in otology and wants an answer for why her hearing is already and on its own declining. Along with various balance issues it may be an indication of a medical condition that would take precidence over Marie's dw-wishes. People usually don't have hearing loss in their mid-twenties without something being wrong.
Of course if Marie were to fib during the audiogram and make it appear that her hearing is worse than it is she could be prescribed a pair of hearing aids which would go a long way in calming Marie. There are a few things that would come as side effects: For example if Marie appears to have a hearing loss of -40 dB across the board she would have to keep that pretense with the ENT and dispensor. She would in effect begin to lead a double life.
It is also not easy to fib during an audiogram. If the target is -40 dB Marie would have to be able to tell the difference between, say, a 50 decibel sound and a 35 decibel sound and a 40 decibel sound. Having an irregular audiogram could give Marie away and put a note in her file that may make it impossible for her to ever acquire hearing aids (even if/when she genuinely needed them).
Marie has wrestled with the decision for months. It isn't easy! Being honest means that hearing aids are further away - perhaps by years - but she would be able to have an understanding of her true hearing capabilities. Knowing where her hearing is versus where she wants it to be are important to Marie; truthful audiograms are a milestone towards her goal.
It comes down to this: Is Marie a pretender or a wannabe? There's a distinct difference. Marie has tried to lead a truthful life (yeah yeah, she'll tell Casey about this when the time is right. But she wouldn't deny it if Casey asked directly!) so she sees herself pretending to be disingenuous. By remaining a wannabe Marie can remain truthful to herself and still attempt to reach her goals by truthful methods.
This post seems to go back and forth: Marie wants hearing aids sooner rather than later but she also wants to know if her health is at risk based on her vertigo/balance and current hearing problems. If it seems like Marie is indecisive it's because she is! It's unlikely that she'll decide what to do long in advance of her hearing test in February and it's likely to be decided on the spot as her name is called to see the ENT.
Marie had a comment to her last post asking why she wanted to be deaf. The question was:
"Do you mind if I ask why you want to be deaf? What is there about hearing aids that seems to me to be the "turn-on", if you like, that makes you want to wear them?"
To Marie she sees no sexual turn-on related to heraing aids. Rather she sees them as a device to regulate when she hears. Bear in mind that Marie doesn't want to be completely deaf (although she would certainly adapt to it). It's easiest to say that Marie wishes to have "selective hearing."
To say exactly "why" Marie wishes to have such a hearing loss would take a long time for her to explain properly. With such a taboo subject it's very important to explain one's self or they risk setting a bad impression.
For now I think it is best to urge those that are interested to take this as a start of Marie's explanation (she feels no need to explain herself to anyone but it is helpful for her to understand these weird urges):
For many years now Marie has had an urge to make things quiet. Perhaps it is her constant tinnitus or perhaps her exceptional hearing: she hears televisions (15KHz) and those annoying >20KHz ringtones. She heard watches, dripping water in another room, people breathing and laughing - everything. Constantly hearing every little noise can drive someone to drastic measures. When these sounds (which Marie has no control over - she hears them always) always happen it makes Marie stressed and can make her 'shut down'. That isn't good.
One could say that she had "too much of a good thing". Perhaps she's being too mellodramatic but that's the world as she sees it: Constant noises from everywhere. They disrupt her sleep and concentration.
The ironic thing is that if she does achieve her goal her tinnitus will not go away and that will be more present.
Marie has experimented with earplugs and has found them to be very successful. The first time she used them she only used cheap foam ones with no more than 25dB attenuation.
The relative quiet was glorious. Marie knew instantly that this is what she desired.
As someone that wants to have more than a little hearing loss Marie desperately clings to any hearing loss (induced or 'natural') with a great deal of hope.
And so Marie notes that she does have a slight (mostly low frequency) hearing loss. Marie's partner (whom she will call 'Casey' and use gender neutral ponouns so as to not reveal hir gender) works in an office and hir coworkers are male. One day Marie went to Casey's office as part of that day's plan. Marie noticed that she had a very difficult time understanding her partner's male coworkers.
Backing up before that day Marie and her partner flew to America (they live in the UK) and at the airport Marie couldn't understand the man asking security questions ("Has Marie packed her bags? Has Marie been given anything to carry by strangers?" and so forth). Luckily Casey was there with her to answer the questions! After they passed through security Casey told Marie that "Maybe you need hearing aids!!" Marie admits that she had trouble not jumping up and saying "Yes! Marie knows she wants hearing aids" but she used that as an 'in' to start pursuing her goal of hearing aids.
Marie's partner Casey does not know of Marie's wishes to be deaf.
But the thing is Marie genuinely does have hearing issues! She doesn't know the cause of it but she is very curious about it as otology is one of her more obsessive interests.
In December Marie had a private hearing test at a local HA dispenser. She did the test honestly even though fibbing would have put her closer to her goal of acquiring hearing aids. The test indicated the aforementioned hearing loss, but the dispenser wouldn't provide Marie with a copy of the audiogram (Marie didn't actually ask because she was certain the man would figure out that she was deaf wannabe).
Concurrent to that Marie's GP made a referral for her to have her hearing tested by the NHS. She thought that the time to get an appointment would take many months but it turns out that from the time she sought a referral to the time of her scheduled hearing test was only about four months in total.
So now Marie has a hearing test scheduled with the NHS. She's hoping that the ENT will be able to tell her why she has LFHL (low frequency hearing loss) and why she feels dizzy (Marie's GP prescribed SERC for her dizziness).
Marie's research indicates that there are numerous possible diseases such as Ménière's disease, otosclerosis, labrynthitis, and even multiple sclerosis (which her friend Robin might be jealous of). Marie doesn't really care what the cause is (although she's scared of MS!) as long as the ENT will explain to her in detail how it's affecting her.
Marie's current hypothesis regarding her hearing loss is that after she moved to the UK she either contracted an environemntal allergy or an existing one "activated". This allergy gave her a middle ear infection for the Spring months and the fluid buildup became infected (e.g., acute OM) and the bacteria began attacking her ossicles. The repeated scaring to her ossicles is impairing their ability to transfer sound. Effectively otosclerosis. However otosclerosis is a conductive loss and Marie seems to recall that her LFHL was mostly sensorineural (she can't recall the plotting of the conductive graph).
There is also room for Ménière's disease, which would explain the balance issues and LFHL.
It's hard not to speculate but Marie has told herself that she will not jump to conclusions and tell herself that she definitely has Ménière's since it isn't good to get her hopes up (if one can be happy about progressing to severe balance disorder). She wants to let the doctors figure out what's going on with her hearing loss; she hopes that she won't have to induce hearing loss with high power horns and personal security devices. She wants to lose her hearing passively as it's easier to explain to family and doctors.
Marie will post soon about whether or not to fib on February's hearing test since she hasn't decided if she wants to look at her current auditory issues or get hearing aids soon!
This is a blog about a young woman in her mid 20s that wants to
have a moderate/severe hearing loss. Her name isn't Marie even though that is what she uses to identify herself with.
Unfortunately there aren't any easy to select the level of hearing loss or to find a medical doctor to help achieve it. Doctors aren't in the habit of "harming" people, even if it's what they desire. This is a problem for Marie since she doesn't want to be completely deaf but rather she wants to have a specific level of hearing loss. The reason for this is that she wants normal sounds to be inaudible except when being amplified with a hearing aid. She doesn't want to be deaf because she still likes to communicate verbally (it is easier to communicate complex ideas) even though at times she finds it difficult to speak, the reason for this may be related to her being on the autistic spectrum.
Marie also still finds some audible things to be worth listening to such as music and live television (she notes that live captions are poor quality). Her preferred method of communication is actually nonverbally.
In this blog Marie will post about her interests in otology, hearing test results, methods of damaging her hearing, and her quest to acquire behind the ear (BTE) hearing aids.
Currently Marie is living with a mild hearing loss in low frequencies of approximately -20 dBSPL and and is awaiting a hearing test (which she will post about) that's in the middle of February.