It's been over two months since I've last posted. Last time my efforts didn't pan out well with the cotton. It requires a LOT of cotton to get a good seal and it really does make the ear canal ache. Went without, alas.
The depressing thing is that the oiled cotton is good for a small loss but to get a large enough loss for me requires an unreasonable amount of cotton. Oh well. I'll continue with noise therapy to get to my goal.
So for me it's relatively easy to simulate deafness (or probably more aptly "hard of hearingness"). Just shove some oiled cotton in my ears and hope no one looks down my ear canal. Easy.
And with that in mind this coming weekend I shall land in a major North American city and do just that for the entire weekend. Nothing too exciting but I expect the trip will be scary and exciting and just what I need. Details afterwards, of course.
This coming September I'm hoping to visit Robin in Canada. I'm going to try and spend most of it with oiled cotton in my ears.
I learned that my previous experiences with this technique to block sound wasn't as effective as it could have been: Apparently the results are better if the oiled cotton is right up against the eardrum.
Today whilst Casey was visiting one of hir friends near London I was going to try The Right Way and get the cotton right up against my eardrum for a more effective earplug. Well, it didn't go too well. After several attempts I was still hearing most things around me (e.g., tapping the counter with a fingernail!) and that was unacceptable. I have not given up attempts just yet and will have more attempts before my visit to Canada.
It's just frustrating trying to find the right balance of oil, cotton, and depth when the only guide I have is the averge depth of an adult human's ear canal. I can't see in there or gauge how far it's down. Using a Q-tip as a ramrod is a good idea and still it seems there is a lot of room for improvement.
All in all today has been a learning experience, even if frustrating.
This is a post about sex that has nothing to DO with sex. Do I have your attention? Let's begin.
In the transsexual community there are generally a few types of (pre-operative) people: 1) Those who absolutely refuse to "use" their genitals for anything other than urination. 2) Those who will self-fornicate on a regular basis but not let anyone else see or touch. 3) Those who will use their bits irregardless of them being transsexual (Note: This doesn't mean they're *NOT* transsexual, rather, it just means they're not so offended as those in group #1 are). 4) Those others I've left out.
I personally was a part of group 1.
However, I want to talk about group 3 and BIID.
I suspect that a similar grouping can be made with transabled individuals: those that use the offending parts (be it legs for walking, ears for hearing, eyes for seeing) even though they'd rather NOT. In fact I'm sure it's inevitable in many cases.
I suppose that in all cases said usage is a case of practicality. It's quicker to run to a train, quicker to listen to information instead of reading, and communicating verbally rather than nonverbally.
This blog is about me so it should come as no surprise that if the above transsexual categorisations were made similar for BIID that I would fall into group 3. I recognise and accept the practicality of hearing. (It's practical to use sound to block other sound, I should like to point out.) I do not like hearing, but I will listen to podcasts that deal with my profession and converse with my coworkers and Casey (I've all but given up on getting them to use email or Google Talk).
I feel guilty, though, which is part of the reason I'm writing this post. I'd like to have it "on record" for myself because I need to rationalise this paradoxical use of sound. There will be people who comment "you don't really want to be deaf" after this post, but that's okay. You can post it. I've thought it too! How could someone that claims to be a deafwannabe actually enjoy music, podcasts and television with sound?
I don't know. Maybe the same reason the category 3 transsexual enjoys the usage of their bits even though they'd prefer to get rid of them. "Use em while you got em?"
Make no mistake. I have greater joy sticking my fingers in my ears than my ipod buds with an Evolution-Creationist debate.
(This next bit will probably piss people off)
However, it's stupid to ignore the practicality of able-bodiedness and it's stupid to risk one's career to eliminate a double-life wherein one a person appears AB and in the other somehow not. I would rather go to work a hearing person (for now. Ask me in, say, 30 years.) and keep my job than get sacked for one day showing up with a more noticible hearing problem! Practicality.
Life at home is different. I avoid noise to the best of my ability: If Casey is asleep I will not listen to music or podcasts, the noise of the fans and my own typing I can tune out. I can watch TV without sound (it'd probably tip hir off if I didn't) and I can maintain some sanity. Practicality.
Oil and cotton are messy to concoct earplugs from, so I do with the cheap foam ones when my noise quote has been reached instead of going for the better seal. Custom made high attenuation earplugs are expensive and I don't yet have the spare cash to spend so I do without them.
Anyways, I've drifted off topic here so let me close with this: Live subtitles suck.
Throughout the night I've felt really down. I've listened to music almost every waking minute for the past several months to drown out my tinnitus and other external sounds.
About 20 minutes ago I turned off the music and put cotton soaked in oil in my ears. This is the first time so the seal isn't very good. But still, things are quieter and I am happier.
Casey is asleep so sie doesn't know. I feel like I'm 15 again dressing up in womens' clothing while my family is asleep. I feel guilty, too, for some reason.
I guess I feel guilty because I'm going behind hir back and doing something I assume sie wouldn't really approve of. I feel better like this, I like it. The tinnitus is very loud but I seem to be able to tune it out more easily.
I'll probably take these makeshift earplugs out soon. I wonder what it'd be like to walk to the pharmacy and pick up my remaining meds with these earplugs in...
