Monday, February 26, 2007

Earplugs Strike Back

So I'm home today and again the noises of the flat were grating, even the music. Bleh... So I did what any sane person would do! Earplugs. I still need to work on the seal but I think it's better than before.

With just a few days before my job interview I need to be as relaxed as possible and these earplugs can help.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Such noise...

I've spent the day multitasking between cleaning the flat and some computer tasks. Both of which have been quite productive but at the end I had to vacuum. Noisy noisy noisy. Worst part is our vacuum cleaner is broken so it didn't do a good job.

All day I've just been chillin' with the relative quiet. Just the fans and my typing and I was able to tune them both out. I listened to some music here and there but there wasn't much point since I wasn't at the computer for long stretches. Did I mention I have ADD?

Anyways, this is just me whining that the quiet of the day was broken by the vacuum cleaner.

Tomorrow Casey and I are going shopping for an interview outfit (and perhaps a summer dress I have my eye on). It's going to be very busy and very noisy in town. The noise alone makes me anxious and the crowds don't help that!

I may have an interesting post to make tonight about a radio program... but I'll have to see what happens.

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Wonderful World of Pretending

So I am looking for work now. It occurs to me that I have a valuable opportunity to present to work as hard of hearing. How can I do this? Cotton and oil in my ears. It could be tricky to pull off since I have long hair and tend to pull it behind my ears which would leave my ear canal (and the cotton) visible.

Is this ethical? It depends on my ethics. There is at least one legitimate answer I can give for cotton: I am sensitive to sound and prefer to block it out when possible. Another one: I do work better when I can concentrate and block out nonessential noise. I say it is ethical, no different or worse than having a radio or iPod at work because someone doesn't like silence!

"Repacking" would be difficult at work and might require me to have a supply of cotton and olive oil on hand!

This is something I really want to do. But to do it successfully I need to be practical. Pretending to be HOH at work by use of earplugs can come back to bite me in the arse: it could negatively impact my work in such a way that questions could be asked such as why don't I have hearing aids if I can't hear people well. Hard to explain that when the NHS issues them at need...

If I was actually HOH (*sighs...*) I could use hearing aids to regulate when and what I hear and that would eliminate the need for earplugs. Silly Marie, always putting practicality before your own needs.

What bothers me the most

I was chatting with a transabled friend last night and she mentioned (in a roundabout way) what bothered her the most and that got me thinking.

What bothers me the most isn't that I am not Deaf but rather that I still hear everything without choice.

It is a strange distinction to make because at first glance they appear to be the same thing. However, I am not explicitly seeking entrance into the Deaf community as a modus operandi but rather I seek to stop hearing. Even saying "I seek to stop hearing" isn't accurate because I want to be able to accurately control when I hear speech! By virtue of damaging my hearing (or otherwise losing it, she hopes) I will be thrust into the "deaf community" (little 'd'; those who are deaf but do not identify as such). Acceptance to the Deaf community comes later, I believe.

This gets very confusing...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

A bit of a funk

Ever since my audiogram I've been in a bit of a funk. I admit that I am prone to paranoia and I admit that it flared up. Being told that what I consider to be a real problem is just in my head (even if it's something legit like APD) really sucks! It madkes me rethink who believes me and is supportive of me in everything I do. Paranoia sucks.

I'm mostly over that. I am preparing myself to stand up for myself to my GP in order to figure out why I get dizzy and have balance problems. I am preparing myself to come out to Casey in a way that is least hurtful to hir and least painful for me.

But... I have a huge setback: The hearing test was a flop from my perspective aside from the nice dip at 4KHz! I shall have to continue to 'work' on that, eh?

Anyways, these are not the best of days for me. My tolerance time for various auditory stimuli is growing shorter. This could be a long year...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Those problems real and imagined

So I've had my hearing test. I did it honestly, more or less. It is all basically "normal" except for a spike around 4KHz down to about 40dB on the left and about 30dB on the right.

Sometimes I hate my honest nature. I sat down and didn't even think about how I might go about fibbing; there wasn't time, really. The tech put the headphones on my ears and within a very short time sound was pumping through.

At the end I'm told it's all in my head, basically. The real problems I face are simply imagined. Maybe they're right and it's just wishful thinking but I would think the time to not fuck around would be with the guy that can throw your ass in prison i.e., security guy at the airport.

The great irony is that I'm referred to someone that is going to teach me how to hear. Ha! I couldn't really say no.

The trip wasn't for nothing, though. I learned that a good point to aim for is a 35ish decibel loss. Anything better than 25 decibels is considered normal.

I guess I get to bitch and moan on this blog for a long time since it'd be suspicious to those around me to go sooner than (I estimate) two years.

I'm thinking about telling Casey. Perhaps the time is right coming at the end of an failed hearing test (and people think that I have passed!), perhaps sie'll be receptive. In any case I need to vent.

None of my questions were answered: my ears feel full, I'm still dizzy. I guess I have to bitch to my GP to get that sorted. Wonderful! I was hoping I could get that sorted at the hearing test.

edit:

I don't know what's worse:
1) The fact that no one believes me
2) My hearing is fine
3) My options are now severely limited

Strange dreams

So I've been having some weird dreams. Earlier this week I read a short story written by Sean at transabled.org and the same fate that befell the main character befell me. Except I had cotton in my ears and wasn't blindsimming. (And for the record: I don't really fancy what happened to the character to happen to me. I'm being vague here so as to not spoil a good story!)

I've also been corresponding with a reader in email and dreamed tonight that he's actually the ENT I will see at my hearing test this week. Casey and I got to the place, (incidentally, Casey went to the desk to check in for me since 'Marie cant hear', nice that sie is supportive in my dreams!) and called into the room by the ENT. He asked background info about me and recalled reading similar things on my blog here and asked Casey to step outside to talk to me in private. He confirmed that he was the aforementioned reader. I woke up then before I found out whether or not he'd out me or be helpful. Strange.

I'm having a lot of stress about this hearing test. I don't know if I can successfully fib and that means I'm being torn between being honest and perhaps having to wait several years before I can legitimately ask for another hearing test or trying to fib and succeeding or failing. Failure means, perhaps, a "black mark" on my medical record.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The guilty pleasures

Throughout the night I've felt really down. I've listened to music almost every waking minute for the past several months to drown out my tinnitus and other external sounds.

About 20 minutes ago I turned off the music and put cotton soaked in oil in my ears. This is the first time so the seal isn't very good. But still, things are quieter and I am happier.

Casey is asleep so sie doesn't know. I feel like I'm 15 again dressing up in womens' clothing while my family is asleep. I feel guilty, too, for some reason.

I guess I feel guilty because I'm going behind hir back and doing something I assume sie wouldn't really approve of. I feel better like this, I like it. The tinnitus is very loud but I seem to be able to tune it out more easily.

I'll probably take these makeshift earplugs out soon. I wonder what it'd be like to walk to the pharmacy and pick up my remaining meds with these earplugs in...

Saturday, February 10, 2007

"But you were fine before!"

This is a post that is self-reflective and a sort of pre-emptatory one.

Before I made my transition to womanhood I was a bitter person and generally depressed. But once I began to confront those transsexual issues my depression became worse and I became suicidal.

To the outsider it would appear that transition caused those things to happen, but I believe that once we make a decision to deal with stuff that we repress we must accept the possibility that it will overwhelm us. It may be stronger than our ability to repress it or deal with it.

I mean so say that by hiding from transability or transsexual (or ANYTHING) doesn't take much effort. But dealing with those feelings is very difficult and emotional and can take a lot of effort to deal with. Constantly having it on the mind means that any little trigger (that would have been previously glossed over) can push one into a deep depression.

Confrontation of repressed things is not the cause, it is the attempt to cure.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Ugh... Second guessing again...

So this coming week is my audiogram with the NHS.

I desperately wish to fib on it for the purpose of being prescribed hearing aids that I intend to have privately "filled."

However...

It's more difficult than one might think to manipulate the audiogram.

1. Tones do not progress from lows to highs or from highs to low. They are random at random volumes.
2. It is difficult to discriminate what is 40dB and 35dB and 45dB without a great deal of training.
3. Similarly it is difficult to discriminate frequencies (125Hz or 250Hz or 500Hz).
4. Feigning a severe loss would be difficult since I'll be verbally interacting with hospital staff. My lipreading isn't that good!

So there's a difficulty here. I may just have to be honest or try and sneak some loud noises before the test! But Casey is coming with me and the test is very early in the morning.... Ugh.

Fib or honest...I'll probably decide on the bloody day!

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Wonder While We Wander

I often wonder how my life will be -- you know, the little things -- once I achieve my goal of hearing loss. I've walked down streets with earplugs and the 20 decibel attenuation doesn't really give a feel for the loss I am after. It was certainly better than nothing but I wonder how things will be different.

I think "what will be different?" The answer is always "everything." So much of our lives as hearing people relies on auditory cues: our partner sighing, the door buzzer for pizza, assuring the fans in our computers are working without other devices, cooking, television, walking down the street (alone at night even moreso), travelling ("there has been a gate change..."), everything.

Knowing that these things will be different is a far cry from the reality of it. In this I expect some level of adaptation on my part: One can't anticipate everything. I don't expect my life being (moderately) deaf to be easy but I believe it will be better. I look forward to these adaptive challenges and believe that I will find ways to adapt to them all.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Periodic Enjoyment

I admit:
I listen to TV and podcasts and music. I sleep better with the air filter on that Casey bought for the bedroom because of the constant noise that it makes.

It bothers me that I enjoy these things slightly. Why don't I turn the channel on the TV when there are no subtitles? (On a side note: why aren't there always subtitles and why do live subtitles always suck?) I'm not bothered so much by the air filter or music/podcasts because they serve as distractions from my tinnitus and other ambient sounds.

The boiler in our flat is in a closet in our bedroom approximately two feet from where I sleep. Without the air filter on I can hear it working at night and I can hear an ever-so-faint ticking of its timer. (Interesting side note: For a while I was able to hear the ticking even over the air filter. I can't do that anymore even when the filter is cleaned. That made me *SO* happy.)

I'm getting ready for bed now and that means that I don't have the music on or my headphones. I can hear the fans in the office from the computers and I can hear my typing. The typing irritates me more whereas the fans are quiet and constant.

I remind myself that I don't want to be completely deaf and that I shouldn't come down too hard on myself for the above things, but it still bothers me slightly.

Anyways... I'm off to bed. If I lay on my left side and put the quilt over my right ear it's as close to silent as I'm going to get while still maintaining sanity versus the dreaded boiler.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Yeah, I'm a little weird.

So for those of you that don't know I'm also a transsexual. Post-operative for well over a year. I am completely happy with zero regret.

Now that I have that out of the way...

When I was early into my transition a crossdresser friend of mine was in a car crash and damaged her (I say "her" since that is how I interacted with them. They were male-bodied and identified as male but liked to interact with the world, sometimes, as a woman) thyroid. The damage to her thyroid made her body begin to produce excess estrogen which, in turn, began to feminise her body.

At the time I was still months away from starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and very jealous of her. I was jealous that a person that was happy to identify as a man was being feminised when I identified as a woman and was stuck with a male body until I jumped through my shrink's hoops. I started to wish that I was her and had her thyroid problem that feminised my body. I wondered in what way her throid was damaged and how I could reproduce it in me.

I was fully aware that I wanted a potentially serious thyroid problem for the sole purpose of feminising my body, but I ignored the downsides and focussed on the perceived upsides.

This trend continues with my hearing.

A friend of mine has Ménière's disease. Ménière's disease is a severe balance disorder which also causes hearing loss.

I've posted before that I have some balance problems and at times I really hope that it is Ménière's disease just for the hearing loss. I look past the severe balance problems that come with Ménière's disease because another aspect of the disease helps me in my desire to be dependent on a hearing aid for speech recognition.

I have a habit of focussing on what I perceive to be positive aspects of what can be serious things. I don't know why but I do. And you know what? It doesn't scare me like it probably should.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

The days I dread.

As much as I use music to distract external noise there are some days that I really don't want to listen to it - I just want silence!

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Questions and Answers

I received a comment from a reader asking if he could ask some questions of me. I said yes like the attention whore I am and he emailed a short list. I've since replied and I thought I'd post the questions and answers here too.

OK, so to my questions..What will you do if in a while you are told that ha's are not necessary for you by the NHS and a non-NHS ha dispenser?


I will be sad. If I can't acquire HAs at my upcoming ENT appointment I'll see a private dispenser for another assessment which I will try harder to fib on. Eventually persistance will pay off.

Are the hospital and the non-NHS ha dispenser far from where you live?


They're not too far away. Casey and I take a taxi there and home, though. We could probably walk to the private dispenser - it doesn't SEEM far.

If, after getting ha's, they are not what you thought they would be like, what are you going to do?


Not wear them? Buying them doesn't seem to imply that I have to wear them if they're not as expected. I don't think it would make me rethink my desire to be deaf, though.

Do you intend to wear a Walkman or headphones on top of any ha's?


That depends entiely on how they (HA+headphones) fit and the quality of sound. A friend of mine made induction loops for very little money that I might attempt to duplicate.

What will you do if you are told you can wear ha's but they are the smaller ones only?


Like ITE/CIC? I'd insist on BTEs (they are less expensive, too).

Would you be prepared to go to another town or city from where you live to try the non-NHS ha dispenser(s) there?


Yes I would.

Would you prefer to see an audiologist who wears ha's and why? Would you prefer to see a man or a woman and why?


I don't really have a preference on aided audiologists or not but I do prefer female clinicians and doctors.

What would your thoughts be if you were told you only needed one ha?


"Hmm... need to work on the other side."

Do you think you would be able to wear your ha's all day straight away? Apparently this (a) is highly unlikely and (b) inadvisable because you would be confused with the sounds of them in your ear straight away. (So I recently read.)


They would be on my ear yes but they may not be switched on - no sense in wasting battery life if I'm not in a situation which requires me to understand speech.

What is the likely reaction of someone you know seeing your ha's for the first time? Is this likely to be different from the reaction of your parents?


I'm not sure. My closer mates and family would probably have a lot of questions about how they work and why I wear them. This question requires speculation and if I could accurately speculate I'd have told Casey already! ;)

Do you know if anyone at your place of work wears ha's - and if there is, does he or she cover them with their hair?


I'm currently looking for work at the moment but in my past employments I don't believe anyone had a hearing aid.

Would you want a job as a receptionist at a non-NHS ha dispenser, and if you are not wearing ha's at this time, how would you reply to the question "Why should I employ you in preference to any other applicant?"


I probably wouldn't want a job as a receptionist but if I was to apply for such a position I would be honest about my application. Audiology fascinates me and being 'close' to it would be very motivating. I'd omit the whole deaf-wannabe thing... ;)


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Thanks for the questions! :)