Where have I been?

I've been in my own little world. I was in Canada for three weeks over Christmas and New Years. I've told Casey that it's over and that I want a divorce.

Yeah... the 'D' word (no the other 'd' word). I've been trying to sort out what is going to happen to me after the fact and to make sure I still have a job after it's done. I haven't filed papers yet (doesn't matter when I do it cos Casey will not contest it) since I'm trying to get everything in order beforehand. To make matters more stressful I've got an audiogram coming up soon that I'm trying to "prepare" for.

On the BIID front: I've been meaning to make a post about the inadequacies of words like 'need' and 'want' and 'desire' with respect to those afflicted by BIID but my focus of late is entirely on dealing with the situation at hand.

Life for me is very stressful as of late. Life is very much "same shit different day"

It has been some time now

It has been ome itme now since my last post. I have the "power" but I haven't used it. I tell myself that it's because these alarms are designed to draw attention and when deafening myself the last thing I would want is curious eyes coming to the noise.

But I'm running out of time, really. My hearing test is coming up rapidly and I can still hear more than I want for the test. I must either deal with hearing, make some bloody effort or shut up. Yes, Sean, you're right: explanation isn't required to docs but others may be more persistant. It's something I'm trying to deal with.

Those problems real and imagined

So I've had my hearing test. I did it honestly, more or less. It is all basically "normal" except for a spike around 4KHz down to about 40dB on the left and about 30dB on the right.

Sometimes I hate my honest nature. I sat down and didn't even think about how I might go about fibbing; there wasn't time, really. The tech put the headphones on my ears and within a very short time sound was pumping through.

At the end I'm told it's all in my head, basically. The real problems I face are simply imagined. Maybe they're right and it's just wishful thinking but I would think the time to not fuck around would be with the guy that can throw your ass in prison i.e., security guy at the airport.

The great irony is that I'm referred to someone that is going to teach me how to hear. Ha! I couldn't really say no.

The trip wasn't for nothing, though. I learned that a good point to aim for is a 35ish decibel loss. Anything better than 25 decibels is considered normal.

I guess I get to bitch and moan on this blog for a long time since it'd be suspicious to those around me to go sooner than (I estimate) two years.

I'm thinking about telling Casey. Perhaps the time is right coming at the end of an failed hearing test (and people think that I have passed!), perhaps sie'll be receptive. In any case I need to vent.

None of my questions were answered: my ears feel full, I'm still dizzy. I guess I have to bitch to my GP to get that sorted. Wonderful! I was hoping I could get that sorted at the hearing test.

edit:

I don't know what's worse:
1) The fact that no one believes me
2) My hearing is fine
3) My options are now severely limited

Strange dreams

So I've been having some weird dreams. Earlier this week I read a short story written by Sean at transabled.org and the same fate that befell the main character befell me. Except I had cotton in my ears and wasn't blindsimming. (And for the record: I don't really fancy what happened to the character to happen to me. I'm being vague here so as to not spoil a good story!)

I've also been corresponding with a reader in email and dreamed tonight that he's actually the ENT I will see at my hearing test this week. Casey and I got to the place, (incidentally, Casey went to the desk to check in for me since 'Marie cant hear', nice that sie is supportive in my dreams!) and called into the room by the ENT. He asked background info about me and recalled reading similar things on my blog here and asked Casey to step outside to talk to me in private. He confirmed that he was the aforementioned reader. I woke up then before I found out whether or not he'd out me or be helpful. Strange.

I'm having a lot of stress about this hearing test. I don't know if I can successfully fib and that means I'm being torn between being honest and perhaps having to wait several years before I can legitimately ask for another hearing test or trying to fib and succeeding or failing. Failure means, perhaps, a "black mark" on my medical record.

Ugh... Second guessing again...

So this coming week is my audiogram with the NHS.

I desperately wish to fib on it for the purpose of being prescribed hearing aids that I intend to have privately "filled."

However...

It's more difficult than one might think to manipulate the audiogram.

1. Tones do not progress from lows to highs or from highs to low. They are random at random volumes.
2. It is difficult to discriminate what is 40dB and 35dB and 45dB without a great deal of training.
3. Similarly it is difficult to discriminate frequencies (125Hz or 250Hz or 500Hz).
4. Feigning a severe loss would be difficult since I'll be verbally interacting with hospital staff. My lipreading isn't that good!

So there's a difficulty here. I may just have to be honest or try and sneak some loud noises before the test! But Casey is coming with me and the test is very early in the morning.... Ugh.

Fib or honest...I'll probably decide on the bloody day!