Sunday, January 28, 2007

Marie says "I" and ponders coming out

So I've been told that by posting in the third person it is distracting to those that chose to read my blog. I could take the stand that it's "my blog and you can piss off if you don't like it" but I started this blog in public for a reason so I may as well bow to easy-to-do requests from the public. ;)

And now on to the main reason of making this post: the topic of coming out.

I have one person I really care to come out to: my partner Casey. Sie means very much to me and it would hurt me if sie couldn't understand or cope with my desire to be (moderate/severely) deaf.

I am in a strange place with coming out because I don't know what is the cause of my current loss. It could be that I may, within 5 years, reach my goal by virtue of some disease. In that case it doesn't make much sense to tell Casey that I want to be deaf.

Of course it could be that where I am now is the "end of the road" for whatever has caused my current hearing loss and to progress further requires my intervention.

I will know better as this year progresses since I see the ENT in a couple of weeks he may be able to help figure out what's going on.

With waiting, however, comes a snag... if I wait and I don't tell Casey I could be missing out on hir complete support and willingness to stand by and let me intentionally damage my hearing by horn (or something).

But if I let the secret out and sie's not able to understand (or let me damage my hearing intentionally) sie could narc on me and that could seriously hamper my HA acquiring goals...

Casey has already said sie's willing to learn BSL with me since sie knows that I prefer nonverbal communication. It's also more practical since we can communicate "in secret", so to speak, around other people as well as in noisy situations!

As always timing is everything. As much as I hate to keep the secret from hir I think the best thing to do is to wait until I see the ENT and get a handle on what's going on and where it's likely to go.


Sean said...

I well understand your quandary about coming out to Casey. Having had that very issue several times in my life, I can only tell you that no matter what the result is, you're better off telling hir than keep it a secret, even if you're bound to be dead/HoH within a few years.

Even if you do get to the stage you want, you'll still live with that major secret. It's not healthy to be bottled up like that.

As much as it hurts to see a relationship break apart, you're better off to tell. If sie can't handle your need, for some reason, the two of you were never meant to be together long term.

If you don't trust hir not to narc on you, then, I would venture to say that your relationship is not worth having in the first place. I may have many issues in my relationship, but I trust that my partner will keep my secret, even were we to split up.

Consider this: The longer you wait before telling hir, the more likely sie is to get offended, and feel like you breached hir trust in you. There comes a point in any relationship where such a huge secret, once revealed, causes a rift that is irreparable. I do think it's better to tell, even if it causes pain, or a relationship to split, because in the long run, you can't hide such a big thing from your partner.

Of course, your mileage may vary, and I won't be held responsible if you blurt it out to hir later today/tonight and sie kicks you out of the flat *grin*

P.S. Thank you for switching to the first person, it makes for a MUCH more pleasurable read :)

Marie said...

Well I certainly hope I don't end up "dead within a few years" !! ;-)

I'm going to tell Casey - it's simply a matter of when. I won't say anything before my hearing test in February.

It's funny: I've seen transsexuals put everything aside for their spouse/partner and I never understood why until now. I could get by with earplugs if Casey was so dead set against me enjoying my hearing loss. I'm going to post about this soon.

But even then sie has said that sie would learn BSL with me. Sie has clearly understood that I MAY end up to the point where I may need BSL to communicate (I may be guilty of not doing anything to dissuade hir thinking thussly).

I trust Casey. I don't think sie will narc on me - just the worse case scenario that everyone deals with when coming out!