It's been another long time since I've made a post. Life is progressing, albeit in an odd direction. There's no real update.
I still don't like sound and still seek deafness. My personal alarm has broken and I should buy another one for use. It sucks pulling it out of my purse, holding it up to my head, pulling the pin and having *NO* sound come out.
It's very frustrating to spend the majority of hours of days on end pumping loud music into one's ears and seemingly have no ill effects.
I have a set of "pure tone" frequencies ranging from 125Hz to 8KHz and on the lowest volume on my MacBook Pro I can hear them all. Makes me question what the point is of noise therapy in the first place if it I can still hear these tones. Yes I know what the point is and I still seek it! Music, it seems, is simply not loud enough. Neither is loud white noise (or pink noise). These all have temporary effects but not long-lasting.
I'm beginning to understand why people put superglue in their ears and try ototoxic drugs. I am prepared to wait, I understand that intentionally damaging one's hearing (with the methods I've been using) isn't something that can be done in a few weeks or months. But damnit, some progress would be nice. :/
The amusing thing is that my tinnitus is no worse.
I have nothing else to do except continue with what I'm doing. It is hard to spend a long time with REALLY loud things up against your ears because people tend to come looking to investigate the cause of loud noises (air horns, personal alarms and so on).
From time to time I get negative emails and comments calling me crazy and things of that nature because I wish to intentionally damage my hearing. Oftentimes I don't know the background of the detractors but today I know.
I noticed a large number of hits coming from a popular deaf message board this morning and to say that the thread about my blog was positive would be laughable.
I don't understand, though. I've read a few of the threads and many people seem proud of their deafness and seem to reject attempts to make them hearing. I wonder if they are the same people who say that I am crazy for wishing to be deaf? Seems like a double standard.
Or maybe they fear a hearing person invading their space, think I may force them to give up their culture and dehumanise them? Reminds me of MWMF's stance towards transwomen. "Invaders invaders!"
I am not seeking attention - in fact I am quite shy (there's a reason this blog is anonymous after all). That rules Munchausen syndrome out.
I'm curious how these detractors feel about transsexuals. Are we invading womenspace and manspace? Because we can't all transition at 10 years old does that mean we have lied to everyone from denial and trying to fit in? It's absurd.
So, whatever. Keep calling me crazy with one hand and proclaiming the glories of Deafhood with the other. Don't you think people think you are crazy for not wanting to be hearing? I'm sure this post will draw a number of comments on the aforementioned thread so comments are disabled. Email me if you really want to tell me I'm a jerk or crazy or stupid (it's been done before!)
I like quiet and I don't like noise (this is not the novel thing).
I need to expose myself to loud noises to become deaf (or other more risky methods that I'm not prepared for yet).
I hate having to pick between an already quiet room and noise therapy. On the one hand I know that it's the path to my goal but on the other hand it'll be noisy and I don't want to 1) interrupt the quiet and 2) hear to noise!
The choice sucks.
Last week I bought a pair of in-ear earphones (Etymotic ER-6i) on the recommendation of a good friend. They're easy to get a comfortable seal but they earphones are really good when they get a good seal: Good sound, loud, and there's no leakage! A coworker sitting next to me couldn't hear anything with my iPod at maximum.
The frustration comes in when I know for a fact that these are perfect for "noise therapy" but when I'm at home alone for a long weekend I'd rather enjoy the relative quiet that is just computer fans (and, alas, the typing - but it's much quieter with my new MacBook Pro). I don't want to listen to noise when I don't have to but I need to in order to damage my hearing. This is a side effect of the paradox: need noise so one doesn't can't hear, but one don't want to hear the noise needed to damage hearing!
I'll probably limit my listening to commuting to and from work and when at work because as much as I'd like to be deaf I'd like nothing more than to not hear noise! (Work that one out, dear reader!)
The cool thing about having a blog is that I can feel free to write in it and whine all I like about hearing. No one has to read it and I get an outlet to vent.
Yes, I really don't like hearing. Not much I can (realistically) do about it at present due to my situations.
This is a post about sex that has nothing to DO with sex. Do I have your attention? Let's begin.
In the transsexual community there are generally a few types of (pre-operative) people: 1) Those who absolutely refuse to "use" their genitals for anything other than urination. 2) Those who will self-fornicate on a regular basis but not let anyone else see or touch. 3) Those who will use their bits irregardless of them being transsexual (Note: This doesn't mean they're *NOT* transsexual, rather, it just means they're not so offended as those in group #1 are). 4) Those others I've left out.
I personally was a part of group 1.
However, I want to talk about group 3 and BIID.
I suspect that a similar grouping can be made with transabled individuals: those that use the offending parts (be it legs for walking, ears for hearing, eyes for seeing) even though they'd rather NOT. In fact I'm sure it's inevitable in many cases.
I suppose that in all cases said usage is a case of practicality. It's quicker to run to a train, quicker to listen to information instead of reading, and communicating verbally rather than nonverbally.
This blog is about me so it should come as no surprise that if the above transsexual categorisations were made similar for BIID that I would fall into group 3. I recognise and accept the practicality of hearing. (It's practical to use sound to block other sound, I should like to point out.) I do not like hearing, but I will listen to podcasts that deal with my profession and converse with my coworkers and Casey (I've all but given up on getting them to use email or Google Talk).
I feel guilty, though, which is part of the reason I'm writing this post. I'd like to have it "on record" for myself because I need to rationalise this paradoxical use of sound. There will be people who comment "you don't really want to be deaf" after this post, but that's okay. You can post it. I've thought it too! How could someone that claims to be a deafwannabe actually enjoy music, podcasts and television with sound?
I don't know. Maybe the same reason the category 3 transsexual enjoys the usage of their bits even though they'd prefer to get rid of them. "Use em while you got em?"
Make no mistake. I have greater joy sticking my fingers in my ears than my ipod buds with an Evolution-Creationist debate.
(This next bit will probably piss people off)
However, it's stupid to ignore the practicality of able-bodiedness and it's stupid to risk one's career to eliminate a double-life wherein one a person appears AB and in the other somehow not. I would rather go to work a hearing person (for now. Ask me in, say, 30 years.) and keep my job than get sacked for one day showing up with a more noticible hearing problem! Practicality.
Life at home is different. I avoid noise to the best of my ability: If Casey is asleep I will not listen to music or podcasts, the noise of the fans and my own typing I can tune out. I can watch TV without sound (it'd probably tip hir off if I didn't) and I can maintain some sanity. Practicality.
Oil and cotton are messy to concoct earplugs from, so I do with the cheap foam ones when my noise quote has been reached instead of going for the better seal. Custom made high attenuation earplugs are expensive and I don't yet have the spare cash to spend so I do without them.
Anyways, I've drifted off topic here so let me close with this: Live subtitles suck.
I've spent the day multitasking between cleaning the flat and some computer tasks. Both of which have been quite productive but at the end I had to vacuum. Noisy noisy noisy. Worst part is our vacuum cleaner is broken so it didn't do a good job.
All day I've just been chillin' with the relative quiet. Just the fans and my typing and I was able to tune them both out. I listened to some music here and there but there wasn't much point since I wasn't at the computer for long stretches. Did I mention I have ADD?
Anyways, this is just me whining that the quiet of the day was broken by the vacuum cleaner.
Tomorrow Casey and I are going shopping for an interview outfit (and perhaps a summer dress I have my eye on). It's going to be very busy and very noisy in town. The noise alone makes me anxious and the crowds don't help that!
I may have an interesting post to make tonight about a radio program... but I'll have to see what happens.