Despair

It's very frustrating to spend the majority of hours of days on end pumping loud music into one's ears and seemingly have no ill effects.

I have a set of "pure tone" frequencies ranging from 125Hz to 8KHz and on the lowest volume on my MacBook Pro I can hear them all. Makes me question what the point is of noise therapy in the first place if it I can still hear these tones. Yes I know what the point is and I still seek it! Music, it seems, is simply not loud enough. Neither is loud white noise (or pink noise). These all have temporary effects but not long-lasting.

I'm beginning to understand why people put superglue in their ears and try ototoxic drugs. I am prepared to wait, I understand that intentionally damaging one's hearing (with the methods I've been using) isn't something that can be done in a few weeks or months. But damnit, some progress would be nice. :/

The amusing thing is that my tinnitus is no worse.

I have nothing else to do except continue with what I'm doing. It is hard to spend a long time with REALLY loud things up against your ears because people tend to come looking to investigate the cause of loud noises (air horns, personal alarms and so on).

Leave us alone

From time to time I get negative emails and comments calling me crazy and things of that nature because I wish to intentionally damage my hearing. Oftentimes I don't know the background of the detractors but today I know.

I noticed a large number of hits coming from a popular deaf message board this morning and to say that the thread about my blog was positive would be laughable.

I don't understand, though. I've read a few of the threads and many people seem proud of their deafness and seem to reject attempts to make them hearing. I wonder if they are the same people who say that I am crazy for wishing to be deaf? Seems like a double standard.

Or maybe they fear a hearing person invading their space, think I may force them to give up their culture and dehumanise them? Reminds me of MWMF's stance towards transwomen. "Invaders invaders!"

I am not seeking attention - in fact I am quite shy (there's a reason this blog is anonymous after all). That rules Munchausen syndrome out.

I'm curious how these detractors feel about transsexuals. Are we invading womenspace and manspace? Because we can't all transition at 10 years old does that mean we have lied to everyone from denial and trying to fit in? It's absurd.

So, whatever. Keep calling me crazy with one hand and proclaiming the glories of Deafhood with the other. Don't you think people think you are crazy for not wanting to be hearing? I'm sure this post will draw a number of comments on the aforementioned thread so comments are disabled. Email me if you really want to tell me I'm a jerk or crazy or stupid (it's been done before!)

To the cheeky bitch on the train

Hey lady,

Ever think that there's a reason I have my iPod's volume turned up? Maybe because I don't want people like you talking to me. Maybe I don't want to hear the train's noises "full blast". Maybe I don't want to hear.

Anyways, next time, lady, I'm going to give you a couple of the earplugs I carry instead of complying with your asinine requests. But hey, you certainly know how to make a shitty day worse.


You suck.

P.S., next time you aim to be a twat in public make sure you do it equally to everyone, like the guy who had his iPod just as loud as mine.