Another update

An Update

I've just finished reading the book Seeing Voices, by Oliver Sacks. The book is a very good look at Deaf culture and the history of deafness in the Western world. I won't say too much about it other than it's a very good read and (given the history) I can understand a bit why so many Deaf people are so against Cochler implants and hearing people who seek deafness for themselves.

And on to the real subject of the the update. I've been considering methods of making myself deaf and have come to a sort of quandry: Even if I manage to make myself severely deaf how would I explain to any sane audiologist why I waited until then to seek help? Wouldn't I have noticed when, you know, I couldn't hear people? It seems that a stepping method would be required for any sense of believability. By "believability" I mean without having to explain myself!

I then began to wonder why I would even care. Well it's obvious: I need to have some sort of doctor signoff for work and probably would have to use some sort of correction at work.

And on to the topic of correction (re: hearing aids). I continue to ponder the correlary between the 40 year old transsexual woman I saw in the therapist's office when I was there to get my second letter for GRS that was wearing something completely pink and not age appropriate. Those types of people I can't help think are overcompensating or trying to overly present a female image. The same thing applies to me with my coveting of hearing aids: overly present a deaf image.

Casey and I are planning to move soon, closer to where we both work, and sie has offered to take BSL courses with me. But we'll need around £1600 for the first month's rent including security deposity, plus having to pay another £600 rent where we currently live for a month, and then £200 each for BSL lessons. I may have to wait until Spring for lessons. :( I don't think we/I could afford it all. *sigh*

Maybe in Spring.

A couple things

This coming September I'm hoping to visit Robin in Canada. I'm going to try and spend most of it with oiled cotton in my ears.

I learned that my previous experiences with this technique to block sound wasn't as effective as it could have been: Apparently the results are better if the oiled cotton is right up against the eardrum.

Today whilst Casey was visiting one of hir friends near London I was going to try The Right Way and get the cotton right up against my eardrum for a more effective earplug. Well, it didn't go too well. After several attempts I was still hearing most things around me (e.g., tapping the counter with a fingernail!) and that was unacceptable. I have not given up attempts just yet and will have more attempts before my visit to Canada.

It's just frustrating trying to find the right balance of oil, cotton, and depth when the only guide I have is the averge depth of an adult human's ear canal. I can't see in there or gauge how far it's down. Using a Q-tip as a ramrod is a good idea and still it seems there is a lot of room for improvement.

All in all today has been a learning experience, even if frustrating.

Going crazy

More and more I'm considering using earplugs when I'm outside. My threshold for noise is dropping and I no longer get much joy from music (which is probably a sign of worsening depression).

Unfortunately using them at work is not an option since my employer knows me as a hearing person (that and they'd SEE the earplugs!) and at home I'm not sure I can get away with yet.

Either way, I spend a lot of time commuting.

So what's stopping me? Well, nervousness. It's a change and I am resistant to change, even when it'd be for the better. I also worry about people seeing my earplugs and becoming offensive after I do not respond to them.

Something to overcome. I think this coming week I will try to do the commute home leg with my earplugs, except for a taxi home should I take one. Many of the drivers know that I can hear...It'd be odd and I'm not prepared for that yet.

Technology and The Secret of Earplugs

So I think I've figured out earplugs. The ones that Casey bought me used to hurt my ears a lot so I wasn't using them at night to sleep. However last night I think I figured it out! It's so obvious: Don't put them in so far. This morning my right ear hurt a little but not much and it was gone within 15 minutes of removing the earplug. Not disturbing to sleep at all! Yay!

And on to Tech! I bought a BlackBerry 8800 on Saturday. After I bought it I read this on Wikipedia:

BlackBerry devices are also extremely popular in the Deaf community, allowing people to message each other very easily.^{[citation needed]}

I laughed. A lot. :)

Anyways...I like this model however I wish I knew to wait for the 8820 (which has built in WiFi). This model has a built in GPS receiver which means that with Google Maps (or BlackBerry Maps) it's unlikely that I will be lost again! Yay!!

Earplugs Strike Back

So I'm home today and again the noises of the flat were grating, even the music. Bleh... So I did what any sane person would do! Earplugs. I still need to work on the seal but I think it's better than before.

With just a few days before my job interview I need to be as relaxed as possible and these earplugs can help.

The Wonderful World of Pretending

So I am looking for work now. It occurs to me that I have a valuable opportunity to present to work as hard of hearing. How can I do this? Cotton and oil in my ears. It could be tricky to pull off since I have long hair and tend to pull it behind my ears which would leave my ear canal (and the cotton) visible.

Is this ethical? It depends on my ethics. There is at least one legitimate answer I can give for cotton: I am sensitive to sound and prefer to block it out when possible. Another one: I do work better when I can concentrate and block out nonessential noise. I say it is ethical, no different or worse than having a radio or iPod at work because someone doesn't like silence!

"Repacking" would be difficult at work and might require me to have a supply of cotton and olive oil on hand!

This is something I really want to do. But to do it successfully I need to be practical. Pretending to be HOH at work by use of earplugs can come back to bite me in the arse: it could negatively impact my work in such a way that questions could be asked such as why don't I have hearing aids if I can't hear people well. Hard to explain that when the NHS issues them at need...

If I was actually HOH (*sighs...*) I could use hearing aids to regulate when and what I hear and that would eliminate the need for earplugs. Silly Marie, always putting practicality before your own needs.

The guilty pleasures

Throughout the night I've felt really down. I've listened to music almost every waking minute for the past several months to drown out my tinnitus and other external sounds.

About 20 minutes ago I turned off the music and put cotton soaked in oil in my ears. This is the first time so the seal isn't very good. But still, things are quieter and I am happier.

Casey is asleep so sie doesn't know. I feel like I'm 15 again dressing up in womens' clothing while my family is asleep. I feel guilty, too, for some reason.

I guess I feel guilty because I'm going behind hir back and doing something I assume sie wouldn't really approve of. I feel better like this, I like it. The tinnitus is very loud but I seem to be able to tune it out more easily.

I'll probably take these makeshift earplugs out soon. I wonder what it'd be like to walk to the pharmacy and pick up my remaining meds with these earplugs in...