Just kidding

Just kidding

I received an anonymous comment to my last post which reads:

I can tell you, why you want to use hearing aids and why amputation wannabes want to use prosthetics. The reason is, deep in your soul you do not want to be disabled, you do not want to be deaf. What you want are certain things you connect with being deaf, but you do not want to accept the big disadvantges, because noone wants to be disabled. It is not a paradox, it´s just a sign you are still sane, so to say. A therapist might be able to help you to overcome the desire to be deaf, or to be more precise, to overcome the illusions you have on your mind that you connect with being deaf. Though, the biggest problem is, BIID sufferers are very very reluctant to accept therapy, many say therapy does not help, but no BIID patient knows anyone who seriously made this step. Good luck and I hope you can learn to overcome these feelings.

Well first off I do not have a "soul". Secondly you're right. It's not so much a "wanting to be deaf" as a "not wanting to hear" which most people call deafness.

I am sane. I find it odd that it would be implied that transabled people are insane and the implication that "no one wants to be disabled." Clearly that is incorrect!

I wonder why the anonymous commenter believes that no one wants to be disabled. Is it because he or she believes that a disabled person's life is so unworthwhile that it should be forfeit or otherwise wish to be "perfect" (and what is "perfect")?

It's funny. Someone seems to know so much about me from a handful of posts and knows fuckall about what my daily life is like. (Unless Casey found my blog and didn't say anything...in which case...crap! Say something!!)

Anyways: I know who I am and what I want. I appreciate your comments even if they're way off-base. I'm well-prepared to make a decision.

The Transabled Paradox

So on the heels (would a wheelchair user say 'on the wheels'?) of my Inner Reflection post and a chat with Sean from ta.org I realised what a paradox it is. I want to be deaf but I'd also use hearing aids to restore my hearing. Some people who have a desire to be amputees would use prostetics.

It seems paradoxical to want to lose hearing and then to use a device designed to AID hearing. Just like it seems paradoxical to want to lose a limb (or more!) and then use a prostetic to "replace" it. I have called that "The Transabled Paradox!"

At this time I could spend a few paragraphs pondering why I want to use a hearing aid to restore hearing (or not. HAs are more like symbology and reinforcement that yes I am deaf/HOH) or why an amputee-wannabe would use a prostetic but I'm not going to. Too much effort. I like calling something "The Transabled Paradox" ;-)

Carry on...

Inner Reflection

I had an interesting question/comment from a non-TA (new!) friend. She noted that some of my other TA friends seem to identify more with their respective desired disabilities whereas I seem to exhibit less of an identity with Deaf culture and more with a desire to eliminate noise.

It's interesting because I was actually pondering this in the last week or two.

I seem to be following the same pattern that I did in my transition: I never really identified as a hyperfeminine person, rather, I identified as me! Marie (okay "Marie" is a psuedonym but you all get the idea). I don't know what it's like to be a woman and I don't know what it's like to be a man. All I DO know is what it's like to be me. At the time my physiology was out of sync with my brain's self-image. I saw transition as a process to fix what was wrong. I had set goals and I understood what was expected of me to achieve those goals. And I did. And I feel great in that respect.

Again, with my hearing I seem to have identified a flaw and a fix. The flaw is that I hear and the fix is to stop hearing. Simple, eh?

In the aforementioned conversation the topic of hearing aids came up. Surely as a person that wants to be deaf I wouldn't want hearing aids which would amplify sound? Well, that is quite the paradox. I've stated before (if not on this blog then in other areas) that I would use HAs to comprehend speech as needed. I also had a think on the concept of a deaf-wannabe wanting hearing aids. Hearing Aid. Aiding hearing... it's one of the things that can really hurt the brain to ponder! However I began to think back to transition and how I gripped to every miniscule feminine trait that HRT (hormone replacement therapy) was bringing as reinforcement of my identity. It seems to logically follow that hearing aids would again reinforce my identity and be visible proof to others that yes, I am deaf (or hearing impaired)!

So, do I identify as a D/deaf person? Well no I don't; I identify as me. I identify as female and feel exceptionally comfortable in this social role. I say this confident having lived in it for almost four years now. I think it would be premature to say that I identify as a D/deaf person having not experienced deafness. How could I have such an identity when I (alas) have had no common experiences? I feel confident today that in four years' time I would be willing to say that I identify as a deaf person (or Deaf, but that's more of a culture thing; integration into a culture is not an overnight thing!).

All in all the fact that I do not have a (strong) pre-existing identity with the Deaf world doesn't bother me as it didn't bother me 5 years ago when I began transition. I'm happy being me and I'm happy to make difficult and permanent choices in my life based on my own values, expectations, and goals.

Crappy memory

So last night as I was going to bed I thought of a great topic to post about. The general idea was a hypothetical situation regarding hearing aids. After that I have no idea.

Instead I'll post about the week:

o This past week hasn't been too bad noise-wise.
o I'm really looking forward to my appointment with the hearing therapist but I still don't know when it is. D'oh.
o Work is good although I'm annoyed with a coworker because he wants to talk to me instead of using IM like he does with everyone else in the office.

Maybe my memory will improve. ;)

Worst case scenario?

So what's the worst case scenario for someone with sensitive hearing that wishes to be deaf? I'll tell you: Neighbours playing very loud music/tv at midnight that's just loud enough to hear slight fragments in my bedroom to keep me from falling asleep.

Not so bad? Well, this is at the end of a very long and BAD day for both being transsexual and transabled (in terms of impact on my life). This is the end of a four day weekend in the UK and I have work in the morning. I am very tired and need to be up at 7am (it's just past midnight now).

With luck I'll be able to buy earplugs tomorrow on the way to work to prevent this from impacting me again.

Casey

So here in the UK we have had Friday and will have Monday (tomorrow) off from work. That means FOUR DAY WEEKEND!! Everyone is home from work (unless they're getting paid a fortune).

Casey has been home too. I worked at home on Wednesday and Casey was home that day too, ill. Sie was home Thursday too, also ill. Throughout sie was coughing and maing a lot of noise. So I've been suffering too. Urk. I've been attempting to block out the noise with Star Trek and sleeping on the sofa to get any sleep.

Tuesday on the way to work I'm going to buy earplugs so I can sleep in the same bed as my spouse and read. (And that's the only reason, honest... heh heh heh!)

A better day

Yesterday was pretty crappy. My books came before work so I had a chance to bring one with me. I picked the Auditory Processing Disorder book.

Unfortunately while reading there's no protection from bad noise -- in fact, it seems that there's nothing but "bad noise"! I read what I could in the book and it was good. But yesterday was a really crappy day.

Today seems to be better. Today and Monday is a holiday in the UK so I don't have to go to work enduring bad noise. Although a friend of Casey's is in town and we were planning to go out today (the Friday before Easter...) and it'll be very busy. I don't know if I'll go along but..meh... bad noise is bad.

I don't wear earplugs to work because Casey and I take the same train from where we live and it'd be hard to explain...but I may do it anyways when reading! Augh... I hate noise.

Good noise, Bad noise

I have a concept of "good noise" and "bad noise" that directly correlate to the 'badness' a day is with regards to stress from BIID.

Good noise is noise that I control: an iPod, or a video on my computer through headphones.

Bad noise is noise that I can't control. Coworkers, Casey talking or laughing, and almost everything.

Good noise can turn into bad noise, especially when I begin to think about the sound and not the content of the sound. If that makes sense. Today I was watching Star Trek: Enterprise while working from home and it turned into bad noise. Partly because earlier in the day I was thinking about deafness (as usual).

I tolerate good noise since it blocks things out, but it can become bad. It's depressing because at that point no noise is good noise; it's all bad.