Let's talk about sex.

This is a post about sex that has nothing to DO with sex. Do I have your attention? Let's begin.

In the transsexual community there are generally a few types of (pre-operative) people: 1) Those who absolutely refuse to "use" their genitals for anything other than urination. 2) Those who will self-fornicate on a regular basis but not let anyone else see or touch. 3) Those who will use their bits irregardless of them being transsexual (Note: This doesn't mean they're *NOT* transsexual, rather, it just means they're not so offended as those in group #1 are). 4) Those others I've left out.

I personally was a part of group 1.

However, I want to talk about group 3 and BIID.

I suspect that a similar grouping can be made with transabled individuals: those that use the offending parts (be it legs for walking, ears for hearing, eyes for seeing) even though they'd rather NOT. In fact I'm sure it's inevitable in many cases.

I suppose that in all cases said usage is a case of practicality. It's quicker to run to a train, quicker to listen to information instead of reading, and communicating verbally rather than nonverbally.

This blog is about me so it should come as no surprise that if the above transsexual categorisations were made similar for BIID that I would fall into group 3. I recognise and accept the practicality of hearing. (It's practical to use sound to block other sound, I should like to point out.) I do not like hearing, but I will listen to podcasts that deal with my profession and converse with my coworkers and Casey (I've all but given up on getting them to use email or Google Talk).

I feel guilty, though, which is part of the reason I'm writing this post. I'd like to have it "on record" for myself because I need to rationalise this paradoxical use of sound. There will be people who comment "you don't really want to be deaf" after this post, but that's okay. You can post it. I've thought it too! How could someone that claims to be a deafwannabe actually enjoy music, podcasts and television with sound?

I don't know. Maybe the same reason the category 3 transsexual enjoys the usage of their bits even though they'd prefer to get rid of them. "Use em while you got em?"

Make no mistake. I have greater joy sticking my fingers in my ears than my ipod buds with an Evolution-Creationist debate.

(This next bit will probably piss people off)

However, it's stupid to ignore the practicality of able-bodiedness and it's stupid to risk one's career to eliminate a double-life wherein one a person appears AB and in the other somehow not. I would rather go to work a hearing person (for now. Ask me in, say, 30 years.) and keep my job than get sacked for one day showing up with a more noticible hearing problem! Practicality.

Life at home is different. I avoid noise to the best of my ability: If Casey is asleep I will not listen to music or podcasts, the noise of the fans and my own typing I can tune out. I can watch TV without sound (it'd probably tip hir off if I didn't) and I can maintain some sanity. Practicality.

Oil and cotton are messy to concoct earplugs from, so I do with the cheap foam ones when my noise quote has been reached instead of going for the better seal. Custom made high attenuation earplugs are expensive and I don't yet have the spare cash to spend so I do without them.

Anyways, I've drifted off topic here so let me close with this: Live subtitles suck.

Worst case scenario?

So what's the worst case scenario for someone with sensitive hearing that wishes to be deaf? I'll tell you: Neighbours playing very loud music/tv at midnight that's just loud enough to hear slight fragments in my bedroom to keep me from falling asleep.

Not so bad? Well, this is at the end of a very long and BAD day for both being transsexual and transabled (in terms of impact on my life). This is the end of a four day weekend in the UK and I have work in the morning. I am very tired and need to be up at 7am (it's just past midnight now).

With luck I'll be able to buy earplugs tomorrow on the way to work to prevent this from impacting me again.

A better day

Yesterday was pretty crappy. My books came before work so I had a chance to bring one with me. I picked the Auditory Processing Disorder book.

Unfortunately while reading there's no protection from bad noise -- in fact, it seems that there's nothing but "bad noise"! I read what I could in the book and it was good. But yesterday was a really crappy day.

Today seems to be better. Today and Monday is a holiday in the UK so I don't have to go to work enduring bad noise. Although a friend of Casey's is in town and we were planning to go out today (the Friday before Easter...) and it'll be very busy. I don't know if I'll go along but..meh... bad noise is bad.

I don't wear earplugs to work because Casey and I take the same train from where we live and it'd be hard to explain...but I may do it anyways when reading! Augh... I hate noise.

Shhh

Yesterday Casey and I went to visit some friends in another city (Which I think is interesting because one of said friends has 'BIID' listed in her LJ profile! I didn't know and still don't know if it is simply an interest or if she suffers from it.). We did the usual things: walking, talking and being cold.

Towards the end of our visit we stopped ino a pub for drinks and to rest our feet and to warm up. The pub was small and noisy and it came to a point where I was theatricall ignoring the other three and put my fingers in my ears. I was really surprised at how quiet it was. For just a few seconds (If I sat there like that for much longer it would have looked odd!) it was bliss. I didn't notice just how noisy it had become.

I find that the more that I'm out of the flat due to my job the more annoyed with sounds I'm becoming: cars, tapping pens, people talking and laughing, train stations, pidgeons walking (yes I can actually hear their claws on the flagstones. *sigh*), children and so on.

I have mentioned to a few of my coworkers that my hearing "isn't all that good" since one 'A', gave me and 'L' a ride into Leeds and I couldn't clearly hear them talking. I haven't mentioned it to my project manager or small 'team' yet but I'm close. D's accent/dialect is really hard to understand! I sometimes wonder if he has a speech problem or if it is just his accent being so broad. I'm happy at work (although the commute is killing me) and I'm glad I work there; I enjoy the work and the people.

It's just the noise that is irritating.

One of those 'TA Days'

This has been one of those days.

This morning Casey kind of had a go at me since I was reminding hir of a doctor appointment and sie kept dozing off in hir chair. I kept prodding so sie wouldn't be late (which happened anyways) and sie said "I just want 5 minutes and you keep waking me up every 2 minutes!!" *sigh* That started it I think... not that it's Casey's fault; sie still doesn't know. (that's my fault)

Then every tiny pathetic noise was pissing me off the entire day and it's been wearing me down. I have been listening to music of course except when I watched a little telly and leafed through a book.

Life is hard but it could be harder... of course it could be much easier.

On an unrelated note I had a thought the other day: If Casey and I were to visit my family back home (which is in a very largely populated deaf area) in 10 years (I presume that in 10 years we'll both be fluent with BSL and use it as our main means of communication) would the ASL users would look at Casey and I quizically, recognising sign but not understanding. What an odd thought to have!