On Vocabulary

In the BIID community there's a lack of terminology available to us. We tend to say "wannabe", "need", and "want" and "desire" and the other synonyms to describe how we are effected.

But they're not right and their other meanings too simplistic and convey an inappropriate meaning.

Every time I encounter someone and tell them about my...condition one of those words wants to come out; they're a copout. They're an easy exit without having to go down the long road of explaining what I feel, how I feel and how those feelings impact me and have me see deafness as a solution.

Using those words is just easier than going through the longwinded explanation (again and again) because in the end the person to whom we explain will just boil it down to those other words.

Whenever I use those four words imagine we had a long conversation in which I explained that the words aren't sufficient to describe what I feel and that they're just a close approximation.

Where have I been?

I've been in my own little world. I was in Canada for three weeks over Christmas and New Years. I've told Casey that it's over and that I want a divorce.

Yeah... the 'D' word (no the other 'd' word). I've been trying to sort out what is going to happen to me after the fact and to make sure I still have a job after it's done. I haven't filed papers yet (doesn't matter when I do it cos Casey will not contest it) since I'm trying to get everything in order beforehand. To make matters more stressful I've got an audiogram coming up soon that I'm trying to "prepare" for.

On the BIID front: I've been meaning to make a post about the inadequacies of words like 'need' and 'want' and 'desire' with respect to those afflicted by BIID but my focus of late is entirely on dealing with the situation at hand.

Life for me is very stressful as of late. Life is very much "same shit different day"

It has been some time now

It has been ome itme now since my last post. I have the "power" but I haven't used it. I tell myself that it's because these alarms are designed to draw attention and when deafening myself the last thing I would want is curious eyes coming to the noise.

But I'm running out of time, really. My hearing test is coming up rapidly and I can still hear more than I want for the test. I must either deal with hearing, make some bloody effort or shut up. Yes, Sean, you're right: explanation isn't required to docs but others may be more persistant. It's something I'm trying to deal with.

Enough playing around...

I've ordered a couple personal alarm keychain things whose advertisers rate it at "140 decibel". These will serve a dual purpose: some sort of protection when walking to and from work. It's getting dark earlier and I'm not very imposing. It's also a crime to carry pepper spray where I love. D'oh. They will also serve to damaging my hearing. I'll worry about where I'll find a place to use such a loud device later (People would tend to come investigating).

It should be well and truly painful but as the lame saying goes: no pain no gain.

Let's talk about sex.

This is a post about sex that has nothing to DO with sex. Do I have your attention? Let's begin.

In the transsexual community there are generally a few types of (pre-operative) people: 1) Those who absolutely refuse to "use" their genitals for anything other than urination. 2) Those who will self-fornicate on a regular basis but not let anyone else see or touch. 3) Those who will use their bits irregardless of them being transsexual (Note: This doesn't mean they're *NOT* transsexual, rather, it just means they're not so offended as those in group #1 are). 4) Those others I've left out.

I personally was a part of group 1.

However, I want to talk about group 3 and BIID.

I suspect that a similar grouping can be made with transabled individuals: those that use the offending parts (be it legs for walking, ears for hearing, eyes for seeing) even though they'd rather NOT. In fact I'm sure it's inevitable in many cases.

I suppose that in all cases said usage is a case of practicality. It's quicker to run to a train, quicker to listen to information instead of reading, and communicating verbally rather than nonverbally.

This blog is about me so it should come as no surprise that if the above transsexual categorisations were made similar for BIID that I would fall into group 3. I recognise and accept the practicality of hearing. (It's practical to use sound to block other sound, I should like to point out.) I do not like hearing, but I will listen to podcasts that deal with my profession and converse with my coworkers and Casey (I've all but given up on getting them to use email or Google Talk).

I feel guilty, though, which is part of the reason I'm writing this post. I'd like to have it "on record" for myself because I need to rationalise this paradoxical use of sound. There will be people who comment "you don't really want to be deaf" after this post, but that's okay. You can post it. I've thought it too! How could someone that claims to be a deafwannabe actually enjoy music, podcasts and television with sound?

I don't know. Maybe the same reason the category 3 transsexual enjoys the usage of their bits even though they'd prefer to get rid of them. "Use em while you got em?"

Make no mistake. I have greater joy sticking my fingers in my ears than my ipod buds with an Evolution-Creationist debate.

(This next bit will probably piss people off)

However, it's stupid to ignore the practicality of able-bodiedness and it's stupid to risk one's career to eliminate a double-life wherein one a person appears AB and in the other somehow not. I would rather go to work a hearing person (for now. Ask me in, say, 30 years.) and keep my job than get sacked for one day showing up with a more noticible hearing problem! Practicality.

Life at home is different. I avoid noise to the best of my ability: If Casey is asleep I will not listen to music or podcasts, the noise of the fans and my own typing I can tune out. I can watch TV without sound (it'd probably tip hir off if I didn't) and I can maintain some sanity. Practicality.

Oil and cotton are messy to concoct earplugs from, so I do with the cheap foam ones when my noise quote has been reached instead of going for the better seal. Custom made high attenuation earplugs are expensive and I don't yet have the spare cash to spend so I do without them.

Anyways, I've drifted off topic here so let me close with this: Live subtitles suck.

"But you were fine before!"

This is a post that is self-reflective and a sort of pre-emptatory one.

Before I made my transition to womanhood I was a bitter person and generally depressed. But once I began to confront those transsexual issues my depression became worse and I became suicidal.

To the outsider it would appear that transition caused those things to happen, but I believe that once we make a decision to deal with stuff that we repress we must accept the possibility that it will overwhelm us. It may be stronger than our ability to repress it or deal with it.

I mean so say that by hiding from transability or transsexual (or ANYTHING) doesn't take much effort. But dealing with those feelings is very difficult and emotional and can take a lot of effort to deal with. Constantly having it on the mind means that any little trigger (that would have been previously glossed over) can push one into a deep depression.

Confrontation of repressed things is not the cause, it is the attempt to cure.