Another update

An Update

I've just finished reading the book Seeing Voices, by Oliver Sacks. The book is a very good look at Deaf culture and the history of deafness in the Western world. I won't say too much about it other than it's a very good read and (given the history) I can understand a bit why so many Deaf people are so against Cochler implants and hearing people who seek deafness for themselves.

And on to the real subject of the the update. I've been considering methods of making myself deaf and have come to a sort of quandry: Even if I manage to make myself severely deaf how would I explain to any sane audiologist why I waited until then to seek help? Wouldn't I have noticed when, you know, I couldn't hear people? It seems that a stepping method would be required for any sense of believability. By "believability" I mean without having to explain myself!

I then began to wonder why I would even care. Well it's obvious: I need to have some sort of doctor signoff for work and probably would have to use some sort of correction at work.

And on to the topic of correction (re: hearing aids). I continue to ponder the correlary between the 40 year old transsexual woman I saw in the therapist's office when I was there to get my second letter for GRS that was wearing something completely pink and not age appropriate. Those types of people I can't help think are overcompensating or trying to overly present a female image. The same thing applies to me with my coveting of hearing aids: overly present a deaf image.

Casey and I are planning to move soon, closer to where we both work, and sie has offered to take BSL courses with me. But we'll need around £1600 for the first month's rent including security deposity, plus having to pay another £600 rent where we currently live for a month, and then £200 each for BSL lessons. I may have to wait until Spring for lessons. :( I don't think we/I could afford it all. *sigh*

Maybe in Spring.

Inner Reflection

I had an interesting question/comment from a non-TA (new!) friend. She noted that some of my other TA friends seem to identify more with their respective desired disabilities whereas I seem to exhibit less of an identity with Deaf culture and more with a desire to eliminate noise.

It's interesting because I was actually pondering this in the last week or two.

I seem to be following the same pattern that I did in my transition: I never really identified as a hyperfeminine person, rather, I identified as me! Marie (okay "Marie" is a psuedonym but you all get the idea). I don't know what it's like to be a woman and I don't know what it's like to be a man. All I DO know is what it's like to be me. At the time my physiology was out of sync with my brain's self-image. I saw transition as a process to fix what was wrong. I had set goals and I understood what was expected of me to achieve those goals. And I did. And I feel great in that respect.

Again, with my hearing I seem to have identified a flaw and a fix. The flaw is that I hear and the fix is to stop hearing. Simple, eh?

In the aforementioned conversation the topic of hearing aids came up. Surely as a person that wants to be deaf I wouldn't want hearing aids which would amplify sound? Well, that is quite the paradox. I've stated before (if not on this blog then in other areas) that I would use HAs to comprehend speech as needed. I also had a think on the concept of a deaf-wannabe wanting hearing aids. Hearing Aid. Aiding hearing... it's one of the things that can really hurt the brain to ponder! However I began to think back to transition and how I gripped to every miniscule feminine trait that HRT (hormone replacement therapy) was bringing as reinforcement of my identity. It seems to logically follow that hearing aids would again reinforce my identity and be visible proof to others that yes, I am deaf (or hearing impaired)!

So, do I identify as a D/deaf person? Well no I don't; I identify as me. I identify as female and feel exceptionally comfortable in this social role. I say this confident having lived in it for almost four years now. I think it would be premature to say that I identify as a D/deaf person having not experienced deafness. How could I have such an identity when I (alas) have had no common experiences? I feel confident today that in four years' time I would be willing to say that I identify as a deaf person (or Deaf, but that's more of a culture thing; integration into a culture is not an overnight thing!).

All in all the fact that I do not have a (strong) pre-existing identity with the Deaf world doesn't bother me as it didn't bother me 5 years ago when I began transition. I'm happy being me and I'm happy to make difficult and permanent choices in my life based on my own values, expectations, and goals.

The things we "trade"

So people in my situation seem to be willing to do a hell of a lot to reach our goals. Be it deafness, blindness, paralysis or amputation of one or more limbs: walking, music, reading a classic print book.

Why do we do it? It'll sound cliché to say "because we need to" but when all the crap is boiled away that's precisely what it is. Let's look at this from another point of view:

John, an 18 year old High School student and his 18 year old girlfriend-from-Middle School have just graduated from Springfield High School. John has a sports scholarship to a big baseball school on the West Coast of America whereas his girlfriend wants to go to Brown in Rhode Island, thousands of miles away. All his life John has wanted nothing more to marry his girl and play baseball. The scholarship is his ticket since his family isn't well-to-do. John makes the hard decision to marry his girl. He needs her love more than baseball. In a sense he's traded his dream to play baseball for love.
A weak analogy but still. Everyone is willing to give things up for something more important. It just so happens that for those of us who feel desires to be deaf, or blind, or paralysed or what-have-you we're willing to trade a hell of a lot more than John.

Personally I find Beethoven's 9th Symphony in D minor, opus 125 to be the world's finest example of music. I'd give it up to achieve my goal. Why? Because I value deafness more than the greatest piece of music anyone on this planet has ever created. Granted with hearing aids I'd still be able to get some enjoyment from his masterpiece - remember: profound deafness is not my goal at the moment.

Let's look at the male-to-female transsexual as a case to compare against:

She gives up reproductive abilities, male privelege, risks losing her job, family, and friends. And for what? Because for her it's worth losing everything to be herself.

One more thing I give up with hearing loss: advanced notice that Casey is approaching behind me. Oops!! As I was composing this entry with great big letters at the top of the screen reading [MAKEMEDEAF], being the title of my blog, sie came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder shattering the few hours I thought I had to compose this entry. You see, I'm almost always listening to music to block out external noise. Sie didn't anything but I wonder how long sie was behind me and reading...

...and it'd still be worth it.